Your Zodiac Signs Ranked According to Which Would Be the Worst to Share a Blunt With

1 week philmaggitti 24 Views 5 min read

(The It’s not personal. It’s astrological.)

♑ Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19): Vibe: Corporate narc, but with crystals. Brought a clipboard “for notes.” Wants to schedule the high. Asks if you’ve monetized your munchies yet. Offers a SWOT analysis of your rolling technique mid-hit.

“Have you considered a quarterly weed budget?”

♊ Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Vibe: Talking. So much talking. They light it, hit it once, and then launch into a story about their ex, quantum theory, or both. By the time they stop talking, the blunt’s gone out. Twice.

“Wait, what were we talking about? Oh shit, this is still in my hand.”

♏ Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21): Vibe: Intense. Possessive. Possibly hexing the blunt. Takes a drag, makes direct eye contact, and just … holds it. You won’t get it back until it’s a roach—and even then, it comes with a death glare.

“I was going to pass it. I just needed to finish contemplating revenge.”

♍ Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22): Vibe: Germ-conscious buzzkill. Pulls out their own filtered mouthpiece. Critiques your rolling. Asks if the paper is organic, or if you’ve considered a vegan vape. Scrubs their hands with sanitizer between hits.

“I brought lab results for this strain. You’re welcome.”

♐ Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21): Vibe: Took two hits and wandered into the woods. Absolutely fun to light up with—for five minutes. Then they disappear mid-convo to go “find themselves,” climb something, or chase a raccoon. The blunt? Gone with them.

“I’ll bring it back! Hey, do you hear music coming from the moon?”

♈ Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19): Vibe: Competitive coughing. Hits it too hard. Coughs violently. Challenges you to do the same. Might suggest “hotboxing a kayak” next. Yells “NO REGRETS” before exhaling through their ears.

“This is chill, right? I’M CHILL.”

♌ Leo (July 23 – Aug 22): Vibe: Only here for the mirror. Takes the blunt, strikes a pose, and uses the smoke as part of an interpretive monologue. Somehow makes the sesh about them. You don’t even care. It’s kind of hot.

“This reminds me of the time I got high with that minor TikTok celebrity who once DM’d my cousin.”

♋ Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Vibe: You will cry. Starts off chill, then takes a hit and brings up a childhood trauma, a dead pet, and a song that reminds them of both. Hugs may follow. You’ll need tissues and therapy.

“I don’t know why I’m crying. This weed is so beautiful.”

♉ Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20): Vibe: Mellow until snacks appear. Then it’s war. Great company—until someone mentions food. Suddenly they’re ordering $80 worth of Thai, guarding the chips like a dragon, and licking the last brownie just to claim it.

“I didn’t eat your gummy. I adopted it.”

♓ Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20): Vibe: Doesn’t need weed to be high. They’re already floating in the astral plane. Smokes, giggles, stares at a dust mote for 11 minutes, and says things like “I can feel the moon’s disappointment.”

“I’m inside the music. Please respect my journey.”

♒ Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18): Vibe: Smokes to open portals. Possibly succeeded. Passes the blunt while explaining alien consciousness theory and why time is a fungus. You’re confused but also maybe now a pan-dimensional being.

“This strain is communicating through my blood. Want to meet God?”

♎ Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22): Vibe: Chillest of the chill. Too chill. They’re polite, balanced, and always pass the blunt—sometimes before even taking a hit. They compliment your exhale technique. They bring snacks. You forget you were judging anyone.