April 2006 – postcards from the pug bus

Keith Richards Out of His Tree, Hillary Clinton Out of Beano

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AUCKLAND – Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards suffered a mild concussion after falling out of a coconut tree at the luxurious Wakaya Club resort in Fiji last week. Mr. Richards, who had been picking coconuts at the time, was knocked unconscious by the fifteen-foot fall. According to a source close to the Rolling Stones, Read More

Celebrities

Kaavya Viswanathan Is a Literary Fraud, Says Nicole Richie

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MALIBU – Author Nicole Richie has lashed out at Kaavya Viswanathan, calling the Harvard sophomore a literary fraud for plagiarizing large parts of Megan McCafferty’s Sloppy Firsts and Second Helpings. In a sharply worded statement released through her literary agent, Ms. Richie said, “What Ms. Viswanathan did is worse than showing up at a club wearing a dress Read More

Culture

Harvard Author Blames Literary Theft on Acid Reflux

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CAMBRIDGE, Mass. – Harvard sophomore Kaavya Viswanathan, 19, blames acid reflux for the numerous and striking similarities between her chick-lit novel, How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild and Got a Life, and two books by Megan McCafferty: Sloppy Firsts and Second Helpings. In an interview yesterday at the office of Little, Brown and Company, her publisher, Ms. Viswanathan Read More

Celebrities

Charlie Sheen Denies That He Is Gay

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HOLLYWOOD – Charlie Sheen said in a prepared statement yesterday that he is not presently nor has he ever been a homosexual. Mr. Sheen’s denial came in response to accusations leveled at him by his estranged wife, Denise Richards, who charged that Mr. Sheen threatened to kill her, abused prescription drugs, gambled compulsively, and snorted Read More

Politics

President Bush Says America Dreamz Sends the Wrong Message

Chip Hilton 455 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following a private White House screening of American Dreamz, President George W. Bush told reporters that the comedy, which stars Dennis Quaid as an amiable dimwit who believes God chose him to lead the country, sends the wrong message about America. “People who don’t know anything about America won’t learn much from watching American Read More

Celebrities

Julia Roberts Hit with Restraining Order Following Broadway Debut

Chip Hilton 462 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – Julia Roberts has been ordered by a New York judge to stay at least three hundred feet from the Bernard B. Jacobs Theatre, where Three Days of Rain, the play in which Ms. Roberts made her Broadway debut last Wednesday, is being presented. The restraining order was granted yesterday at the request of Read More

Politics

Bush to Assume Presidency in Continuing White House Shakeup

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – Left high and dry by declining poll numbers and eroding public confidence, George W. Bush continues his shakeup of the White House in an effort to salvage his second term. Yesterday Scott McClellan, the sweaty, pink-faced presidential press secretary, resigned; and Karl Rove, the sweaty, pink-faced deputy chief of staff known as Read More

Celebrities

Tom Cruise Tells Yahoo Chat Room His Baby Has Lived Before

Biff Scuzzy 374 Views 3 min read

HOLLYWOOD – Tom Cruise took time out from making a placenta casserole to visit with a Yahoo chat room audience last night. During the scheduled fifteen-minute session, sponsored by Yahoo News and Placentavite shampoo, Mr. Cruise answered several questions, about his religion and his past lives. The first questioner, TomKat45903 from Akron, Ohio, asked Mr. Read More

Celebrities

Jennifer Aniston’s Break Up Gets Happy Ending

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HOLLYWOOD – Universal Pictures has acknowledged that the ending of The Break Up, a romantic comedy starring Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn, has been rewritten. The studio decided on a do over, said Universal spokesman Ralph Gould, after test audiences had reacted badly to the original ending. In that version the characters portrayed by Ms. Aniston Read More

Celebrities

Angelina Jolie Makes Brad Pitt Her Bitch

Chip Hilton 414 Views 2 min read

NAMIBIA – Unable to convince Angelina Jolie to become his wife, Brad Pitt has settled for becoming her bitch instead. Mr. Pitt’s transformation from leading man to nanny began on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith nearly two years ago, according to friends of the couple. “It’s been a gradual process,” said one friend, “but nobody Read More

Celebrities

Lindsay Lohan Wax Figure Causes Stir at Madame Tussauds

Biff Scuzzy 446 Views 3 min read

NEW YORK – Hundreds of people, some of them in wheelchairs and on crutches, lined up outside Madame Tussauds early this morning. They had come from as far away as New Jersey and Pennsylvania in response to rumors of miraculous cures effected by the recently unveiled Lindsay Lohan wax figure. “My girlfriend April went to Read More

Celebrities

Britney Spears Blames Lack of Gravity for Baby’s Fall

Chip Hilton 416 Views 3 min read

MALIBU – Britney Spears told child welfare agents that her son’s fall on April 1 was caused by a temporary lack of gravity, which is “emblematic of a larger crisis to come.” The twenty-four-year-old pop star explained that she first learned of “the impending gravity problem” through her studies of Kabbalah, a Jewish mystical tradition. Read More

News

Demonstrators March in Rally for Immigrants’ Rights

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MEXICO CITY – Nearly three dozen illegal American immigrants took to the street in Mexico City yesterday to protest what they called “exploitation” at the hands of the Mexican government. Humming Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA” and waving tiny Mexican and American flags, the well-dressed demonstrators said they deserve better treatment under the law Read More

Celebrities

Angelina Jolie Namibia Trip Is Normal Prebirth Behavior

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JOHANNESBURG – Angelina Jolie quit Paris for Namibia last week in the latest exhibition of what National Geographic calls pre-partum nesting behavior. Ms. Jolie, who is due to deliver a baby in mid-May, has been scurrying from one location to another recently as she attempts to find a safe, comfortable spot in which to birth her child. Read More

Religion

Jesus Entering Fewer Hearts This Year

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OPP, Ala. – Explaining that he was “tired of saying yes to every loser with his you-know-what in a wringer,” the Lord God Jesus Christ announced yesterday that he would enter fewer hearts this year. “Don’t write a check with your behavior that you can’t cash with your prayers,” warned Our Holy Redeemer, who spoke Read More

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