August 2007 – postcards from the pug bus

Larry Craig Wants Toilet Cams in Airport Restrooms

Biff Scuzzy 437 Views 2 min read

BOISE, Idaho – Embattled Senator Larry Craig says he plans to introduce legislation in Congress that will mandate the placement of toilet cams in all airport restrooms. In fact, the senator said in a press release yesterday, “I plan to make toilet cam legislation the centerpiece of my reelection campaign.” According to Senator Craig, every Read More

News

Senator Craig: I Am Not Gay, I Just Act Gay in Restrooms

Biff Scuzzy 456 Views 2 min read

BOISE, Idaho – Senator Larry Craig assured his constituents, his god, and his family yesterday that he is not gay, but he does suffer from Gayrette’s Syndrome, “an unfortunate tendency” to act gay in public restrooms. “I am making this bold and courageous admission today so that other men with my condition—and it is a condition, not Read More

Sporting Life

Michel Martin Is Today’s Michael Vick Tool

Chip Hilton 461 Views 1 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Today’s dumb-ass Michael Vick sympathizer is Michel Martin, hostess of Tell Me More, a one-hour daily NPR news talk show. Ms. Martin, whose husband, Billy, is Michael Vick’s lawyer, said last night on the Bill Maher show that with so many murders in Philadelphia, Baltimore, Atlanta, and other cities, she wonders why Read More

News

U.S. Blames British Soldiers’ Deaths on Cell Phone Use

philmaggitti 437 Views 2 min read

KAJAKI, Afghanistan – A United States military commander in Afghanistan said yesterday that three British soldiers killed by “a friendly airstrike” on Thursday would still be alive today if “somebody hadn’t been talking on a cell phone when he shouldn’t have been.” According to Lieutenant General Rip Redstone, “A combat patrol is no place to Read More

Sporting Life

NRA President Attacks NAACP’s Michael Vick Tool

philmaggitti 434 Views 2 min read

FAIRFAX, Vir. – NRA president, Wayne LaPierre, assailed R.L. White, HMFIC and president of the NAACP’s Atlanta chapter, for suggesting that deer hunting is “just as bad as” dog fighting. “Mr. White’s comments are insulting and disgusting,” said Mr. LaPierre. “Obviously there is nothing a black person can do that is so heinous another black Read More

Religion

Skype Outage Only the Beginning Warns an Angry God

philmaggitti 461 Views 2 min read

LUXEMBOURG – God has claimed full responsibility for the mysterious Skype outage that left an estimated five to six million of his subjects unable to make phone calls or to send instant messages via the popular Internet-based service last week. In an instant message sent to every Skype subscriber yesterday, god declared not only that Read More

News

Rudy Giuliani Tops Wikipedia Self-Serving Edits

philmaggitti 431 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – Computers at the campaign headquarters of Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani were used to make fifteen changes to Mr. Giuliani’s Wikipedia page last week, earning America’s Mayor the Virgil Griffith award for the period ending August 18. This soon-to-be-notorious award is named after Virgil Griffith, the CalTech graduate student who created Wikiscanner, a program that Read More

News

Pope Benedict Urges Peace on The Sopranos in Easter Address

Chip Hilton 452 Views 2 min read

VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI devoted his annual Easter address to a condemnation of the violence on HBO’s hit series The Sopranos and to a call for peace among the warring factions on the show, which, coincidentally, aired the first of its final nine episodes last night. The pope began by warning thousands of Christians assembled Read More

Celebrities

Lindsay Lohan Elle Interview Recalls Happier Times

philmaggitti 477 Views 4 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – If it’s August, Lindsay Lohan is selling magazines for Elle. For the second August in a row another issue of Elle featuring the fully loaded Herbie star hits the newsstands, but what a difference a year makes. This time around Ms. Lohan is on the defensive, assuring Elle‘s readers not only that the paparazzi are Read More

News

Arkansas Woman Has 17th Child, Two Are James Brown’s

Biff Scuzzy 462 Views 3 min read

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. – Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar welcomed her seventeenth child into the world at 10:01 a.m. Thursday at a Rogers, Arkansas, hospital. Said Jim Bob, a former state representative who now sells real estate, “We are just so grateful to god for another gift of life.” The Duggars, it turns out, should Read More

Music

Britney Spears’ New CD in Starbucks Tuesday

philmaggitti 397 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – The long-awaited new Britney Spears CD, Here I Come Again, will go on sale at all Starbucks outlets around the world on Tuesday. A source close to the project told Billboard magazine that Ms. Spears chose Starbucks because “it has always been her refuge” whenever she felt misunderstood. “No matter what lies the false tabloids Read More

Sporting Life

Rush Limbaugh Says Donovan McNabb Coddled by Philly Press

philmaggitti 413 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – According to Rush Limbaugh, Donovan McNabb is being protected by the Philadelphia press, which has orchestrated “a shameful and concerted news blackout” of remarks Mr. McNabb made about Michael Vick to the Washington Post and other news sources. In the Post interview, published two days ago, Mr. McNabb declared, “I’m a supporter of Vick.” Mr. McNabb Read More

Sporting Life

Michael Vick Severs Ties with PRCA and Skoal

philmaggitti 447 Views 2 min read

NEWPORT NEWS, Vir. – A lawyer for suspended Atlanta Falcons quarterback, Michael Vick, announced today that Mr. Vick was severing his ties with the Professional Rodeo Cowboys Association (PCRA) and with Skoal, the makers of smokeless tobacco. “Michael Vick recognizes his responsibilities as a role model to his fans,” said Dutch Williamson. “Therefore, he is Read More