November 2009 – postcards from the pug bus

Verizon Guy Sued for Telephone Harassment

philmaggitti 516 Views 2 min read

BREWSTER, NY – Paul Marcarelli, better known to millions of television viewers as “the Verizon guy,” has been sued for sexual harassment and making terroristic threats by telephone. The suit was filed by Marcarelli’s ex-fiancee, Julia Richardson, in Brewster, NY, where Marcarelli lives.” According to Richardson, 33, she is the person to whom Marcarelli used Read More

Culture

Bono Challenges World Leaders to Save Board Games

philmaggitti 523 Views 3 min read

MILPITAS, Calif. – Bono, U2’s crusading frontman, has set himself his most ambitious and difficult task to date: rescuing board games from neglect and despair. Toward that end the globe-trotting, name-checking, self-aggrandizing-but humble singer has announced the release of How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb, a board game he designed to “reintroduce people everywhere to Read More

Technology

Scientists Clone Monkey from Courtney Love Cells

Chip Hilton 460 Views 2 min read

PORTLAND, Ore. – Researchers at Oregon Health and Science University have manipulated the DNA of skin cells obtained from Courtney Love to create monkey embryos from which stem cells were extracted three days later. This experiment, the first in which a primate embryo was created from a “superior species,” may lead to breakthroughs in the Read More

News

Al Qaeda Rebuilds Through Draft, Trades, Free Agency

philmaggitti 490 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to U.S. intelligence scouting reports, Al Qaeda has rebuilt its operating team through a clever mixture of good draft choices, trades, and free agent acquisitions and is primed to make a run for the playoffs when the 2010-1 terrorist-attack season begins September 1. “Al Qaeda’s a real sleeper this year,” said Read More

Religion

Pope Benedict XVI Approves Pig Latin Mass

philmaggitti 508 Views 1 min read

VATICAN CITY — Following months of speculation, Pope Benedict XVI announced the elimination of restrictions on the use of Pig Latin in the conduct of the mass, weddings, funerals, and other liturgical proceedings of the Catholic Church. The pope’s decision was made public Saturday in a decree entitled Igpay Atinlay Ulesray. Known as the Igskinpay rite, the Pig Read More

Celebrities

Jennifer Lopez Starts Pet Advice Column

Chip Hilton 543 Views 5 min read

LOS ANGELES – Jennifer Lopez’ introduction of a high-end line of designer accessories for pets demonstrated her commitment to the animal-welfare movement. That concern is further demonstrated by Lopez’ newest animal-related enterprise—an advice column for pets. The column, entitled “Jennifer Lopez on All Fours,” will debut in the December issues of Dog Fancy and Cat Fancy magazines. “We are Read More