Wednesday, June 12, 2024

Jennifer Lopez Starts Pet Advice Column

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LOS ANGELES – Jennifer Lopez’ introduction of a high-end line of designer accessories for pets demonstrated her commitment to the animal-welfare movement. That concern is further demonstrated by Lopez’ newest animal-related enterprise—an advice column for pets. The column, entitled “Jennifer Lopez on All Fours,” will debut in the December issues of Dog Fancy and Cat Fancy magazines.

“We are thrilled to have someone of Jennifer’s stature who can talk to animals on their own level,” said Melinda Basset, articles editor at Bow Tie Press, which publishes Dog FancyCat FancyHorsing AroundFun with Ferrets, and other pet-related titles.

Lopez’ animal-loving fans needn’t wait until November, however, to get the lowdown from J-Lo on pet behavior issues. Several questions “written” by pets have been posted on Lopez’ website. We are happy to present a few of them here.

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Dear J-Lo,
What’s a divorce? Yesterday I heard my “mommy” telling my “daddy” she wanted one. It sounds like dad’s in a lot of trouble and won’t be living here anymore after they get this divorce. Is that true? And where will I be living if he leaves?

Dear Angelpuss,
A divorce is what a human couple gets when one of them is caught sniffing around some other human’s butt. I’m guessing your dad’s the one who got caught with his nose in somebody else’s business, in which case he’ll soon be living in a depressing furnished apartment—with thin walls and second-rate carpeting—that doesn’t accept pets. You don’t want to go there. The furniture is so cheesy it isn’t worth chewing.

You’re better off with your mom. She’ll cry, hug you a lot and generally act pretty sappy at first, then she’ll go on a diet, get an all-over Brazilian body wax and a lot of new clothes. She might even get some of my designer accessories for you.

Sooner or later she’ll start bringing new “daddies” home for interviews. That’s when things could get dodgy if these new daddies have kids or dogs of their own. So be nice to your old dad (when your mom isn’t looking). Eventually he’ll get a new mom who’s a lot younger than your real mom, and maybe you’ll get to live with them.

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Dear J-Lo,
I’m a six-month-old Dalmatian who’s about to get “fixed.” I think it’s my “mom’s” idea because my “dad” keeps saying, “Nobody’s going to make a sissy out of my dog.” Then the other day he said if I was getting fixed, he was buying me something called cuticles so that people won’t know I was fixed and he won’t have to be embarrassed. What’s going on here? Do you think I’m broken, and if I am, how are these cuticles going to help?

Dear Sparky,
Do you know those oval-shaped things that look like rear-view-mirror ornaments dangling between your hind legs? The accessories that dogs like to clean all the time just because it grosses some people out? Well, when you get fixed, they take you to a vet, and she cuts them off. Now don’t go getting bent out of shape. You won’t feel a thing, and in a day or so you’ll be good as new—only that poodle next door isn’t going to look as good to you as she does now.

Those “cuticles” your dad’s talking about (the right word is neuticles, by the way) are synthetic ornaments the vet inserts to take the place of the ones that are lopped off when you get fixed. Your daddy can order them from my designer accessories for pets. If it’ll make him happy for you to have them, you might as well go along with the joke. Besides, you’ll have something to lick if you’re ever in the mood to gross somebody out. Just pray your old man doesn’t get you the Chihuahua size by mistake. I knew a German shepherd once who got outfitted with a pair of those babies, and he was laughed out of the dog park within a week.

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Dear J-Lo,
I’m confused. I always thought I was a pet, but my person calls me a “companion animal” now; and she’s started referring to herself as my “guardian,” not my owner. What’s up with that? If she’s guarding me, who owns me? And what’s the difference between a pet and a companion animal?
Wondering in Wichita

Wonder Kitty,
The difference between a pet and a companion animal is about five syllables. Your owner sounds like she’s been brainwashed by the Language Police at PETA. That sort of behavior is harmless enough. Your owner might even outgrow it, but if she starts calling herself your “caregiver,” look out. Next thing you know she’ll be putting you on a vegetarian diet. That’s when you have to put your paws down. Go on a hunger strike, cough a lot, stick your paw down your throat and make yourself hurl when she isn’t looking. If you ever want to sink your teeth into some good old animal by-products again, you’ll have to act like you’re dying. If you get really desperate, tell the dog you’ll kill him if he doesn’t bring you a mouse.

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