January 2010 – postcards from the pug bus

Food Network Announces Iron Chef Cannibalism Series

Biff Scuzzy 463 Views 1 min read

NEW YORK – Despite the success of the The Next Iron Chef last year, the Food Network is in danger of being pushed to near-campy irrelevance—the worst kind of irrelevance there is— by the Travel Channel’s No Reservations, Bizarre Foods, and Man v. Food. Who wants to see a pair of culinary school divas fussing about in an $8-million kitchen, Read More

Music

Van Morrison Files for Intellectual Bankruptcy

philmaggitti 500 Views 3 min read

DUBLIN – Irish singer and curmudgeon Van Morrison has filed for intellectual bankruptcy, according to a notice published on his official website—The Gospel According to St. Van. The famously gruff singer-songwriter informed his fans that he hasn’t had a worthwhile musical idea since 1972 and that he’s tired of recycling the same three riffs, though Read More

News

SpaghettiOs Creator, Donald Goerke, Chokes to Death, Uh-Oh

philmaggitti 445 Views 2 min read

CAMDEN, N.J. – Donald Goerke, the man who put the “Oh” in SpaghettiOs, choked to death Sunday night while eating his customary bedtime snack of SpaghettiOs and chocolate milk. He was eighty-three. Mr. Goerke joined the Campbell organization in 1955 as a market analyst. The venerable soupmaking firm had been resting on its ladles since Read More

News

Taylor Swift Plans Chain of Anal Bleaching Salons

philmaggitti 446 Views 1 min read

NASHVILLE – Country artist Taylor Swift, 20, announced on her website yesterday that she plans to open a chain of anal bleaching salons this summer. Ms. Swift, who turns her frequent two-month romances into popular songs, will cut the ribbon at the flagship Pucker Up bleaching salon in Los Angeles at a date to be Read More

Sporting Life

Mark McGwire Admits to Using Prayer to Gain Competitive Edge

Biff Scuzzy 480 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – During a fifty-minute interview with Bob Costas on the MLB Network yesterday, former St. Louis Cardinals slugger Mark McGwire confessed tearfully that he had turned to prayer in order to treat injuries that had kept him off the field repeatedly in the early 1990s. “I was a walking MASH unit,” he said. Read More

Politics Technology

Al Gore Claims Credit for Inventing the Toilet Cam

philmaggitti 429 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Former vice president Al Gore will tell the American Library Association’s (ALA) midwinter meeting in Boston next week that he invented the toilet cam. In a draft copy of the vice president’s address that was leaked to Postcards from the Pug Bus late yesterday, Mr. Gore declared: “I developed the toilet Read More

News

There’s Trouble in The Dog Whisperer’s Paradise

Biff Scuzzy 456 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES, Calif. – Who doesn’t love Cesar Millan? The munchkin figure, the sun-god smile, the cute, spikey hair, those preternaturally white teeth, that funny ogg-sent. He trains people; he rehabilitates dogs; he’s stinking rich; he’s the dog whisperer. Who doesn’t love him? As it turns out, a few of his own dogs aren’t exactly big Read More

Sporting Life

NBA Installing Metal Detectors in All Locker Rooms

philmaggitti 460 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK, N.Y. -The National Basketball Association (NBA) moved quickly to minimize the presence of handguns in locker rooms around the league following an incident in the Washington Wizards locker room a few days before Christmas. According to a team official, Gilbert Arenas, the Wizards leading scorer, and Javaris Crittenton, a back-up guard, strapped up Read More