Taylor Swift Plans Chain of Anal Bleaching Salons

Country artist Taylor Swift, 20, announced on her website yesterday that she plans to open a chain of anal bleaching salons this summer. Ms. Swift, who turns her frequent two-month romances into popular songs, will cut the ribbon at the flagship Pucker Up bleaching salon in Los Angeles at a date to be announced later. As usual she plans to write a song for the occasion.

“I was hurt so badly when a boyfriend—I forget whether it was Joe (Jonas), Taylor (Lautner), John (Meyer), or Zac (Efron)—said my brown eye really made him blue,” said Ms. Swift. “It was weeks before I could even think of letting anybody see me naked again.”

In the meantime Ms. Swift “researched Wikipedia,” where she learned, “Some light-skinned people have some degree of darker pigmentation of the skin immediately around the anus, which can be mistaken for poor personal hygiene.”

“I had never heard of such a thing,” said Ms. Swift. “Poor personal hygiene is soooo gross, especially among girls like me who have taken the pledge to remain virgins until they get married.”

After writing a song to reassure her fans that her “tooter” is not disgusting, Ms. Swift decided to try a little Brown Off anal bleaching cream at a local salon.

“It worked so well I saw [the chain of salons] as a way of diversifying. I mean, I can’t keep writing break-up songs all my life. I will get married some day, then I’ll be stuck with nothing to write about except babies.”

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