March 2010 – postcards from the pug bus

UConn Women a Huge Bust in the Neilsen Ratings

Biff Scuzzy 469 Views 2 min read

DAYTON, Ohio – The University of Connecticut’s women’s basketball team might be the best women’s team ever assembled, but their Neilsen ratings suck. According to the Nielsen overnights for the UConn-Florida State game last night—which the Lady Huskies won 90-50—more people watched the on-screen news crawl than the actual game. “The game had a 1.2 Read More

Culture Technology

AARP Endorses iPad Betty White Model for Sexting Seniors-CCTV Cameras

philmaggitti 456 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Apple and the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) have joined forces in order to fill a niche in the ever-competitive cell phone market: the growing popularity of sexting among senior citizens. “We believe that an active, satisfying sex life is important for a senior citizen’s health and well being,” said AARP Read More

News

Corey Haim or Corey Feldman Found Dead of Drug Overdose

philmaggitti 523 Views 2 min read

HOLLYWOOD – Actor Corey Haim, 38, or actor Corey Feldman, 38, was pronounced dead at Providence Saint Joseph Medical Center in Burbank, California, Wednesday morning after an apparent overdose. This according to a police spokesman. Police learned of the death, which occurred between 4 a.m. and 4:30 a.m. Wednesday, when staff at Read More

Music

Lil’ Wayne Sentencing Postponed for Hemorrhoid Surgery

Biff Scuzzy 455 Views 1 min read

NEW YORK – Once again an attorney for Lil’ Wayne has requested a postponement of the rapscallion’s jail sentencing for attempted gun possession. The sentencing had been scheduled originally for last month, but Judge Charles H. Solomon agreed to a request for a postponement because Lil’ Wayne needed eight root canals and complex dental-implant work. Read More

News Religion

Vatican Chorister Fingered in Gay Sex Scandal

philmaggitti 443 Views 2 min read

VATICAN CITY – The Vatican remained tight-lipped today following reports that a chorister was fired for allegedly procuring male prostitutes for a papal gentleman-in-waiting. That gentleman, Angelo Balducci, was heard on a police wiretap negotiating with Thomas Chinedu Ehiem, a twenty-nine-year-old Vatican chorister, over the physical details of men he wanted brought to him. “I’ma Read More

Sporting Life

Ben Roethlisberger Fondles the Snapper

Biff Scuzzy 400 Views 2 min read

MILLEDGEVILLE, Ga. – A twenty-year-old college student has accused Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger of sexually assaulting her at a nightclub early Friday morning. The student, whose name is being withheld by authorities, alleges that Mr. Roethlisberger placed his hands between her legs and bumped them against her suggestively several times. The alleged assault took Read More

Culture

Satire Site Reveals How to Tell When You’ve Had Sex

philmaggitti 498 Views 2 min read

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. – Researchers at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University were gobsmacked to learn that people cannot agree on what they mean when they say they’ve “had sex.” This conclusion was reached following phone interviews with a random sample of 204 men and 282 women living in Indiana. The respondents ranged in age from Read More

Music

RIAA Sues Fetus as Accessory to Illegal Downloading

philmaggitti 484 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK — The RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) has lowered the bar in its war against music piracy. In a surprising legal maneuver the RIAA slapped a four-month-old fetus with a Baby Doe warrant for being an accessory to its mother’s illegal downloading of three Trout Fishing in America CDs and several other Read More

Music

Musicians Admit to Only Pretending to Like Pete Seeger

philmaggitti 482 Views 2 min read

Dave Matthews, Bruce Springsteen, and a host of musicians who have appeared with folk singer Pete Seeger during the last few years have admitted they were “only pretending to like” the ninety-year-old Seeger and his music. “At first we were like, who invited the old guy,” said one musician who did not wish to be Read More