November 2011 – postcards from the pug bus

The Grammar Prick Sticks It to Alanis Morissette

philmaggitti 450 Views 4 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – When President Obama said that America had been “lazy” for the past few decades, he was talking about our national language scandal. Americans, the president said, are too lazy to search for the home run utterance; they settle instead for a cheap single up the middle; and that, boys and girls, Read More

Sporting Life

Joe Paterno Diagnosed with Cancer, Penn State Students Riot

philmaggitti 482 Views 2 min read

STATE COLLEGE, Penna, – When students learned that former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno had been diagnosed with lung cancer, they took to the streets by the thousands last night, clashing with police and overturning at least one medical vehicle. “Why don’t they leave Coach Paterno alone?” demanded Barry Martin, a political science major Read More

Culture

Facebook Considering Fuckbook Spinoff

Chip Hilton 459 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Surprised by some users’ reactions to the pornographic and violent images that appeared on Facebook recently, officials at the site are considering an adults-only version of Facebook, tentatively called Fuckbook. “To be honest,” said one Facebook official who asked to remain anonymous, “our site is the depository of dull. We’re nothing Read More

Sporting Life

NBA Players Union To Decertify, Regroup as Shopper’s Club

philmaggitti 416 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – Claiming that the National Basketball Association owners latest contract offer will make it “more difficult for us to keep food on the table,” the NBA players union has voted unanimously to disband. The move will give the players an opportunity to pursue a multibillion-dollar antitrust lawsuit against the league. The move could Read More

Culture

Six Hitler Substitutions That Won’t Get Your Ass in Trouble

philmaggitti 455 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Countless people have come to grief for comparing someone to Adolph Hitler. The latest, Chef Mario Batali, compared Wall Street executives to Hitler at a Time magazine panel recently. “The ways the bankers have kind of toppled the way money is distributed and taken most of it into their hands is as good Read More

Ass Hats

Asshats of the Moment to Everyone Who Supports Joe Paterno

philmaggitti 499 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – The Amalgamated Asshat Association will have to step up production this week in order to make enough asshats for all the Joe Paterno enablers who have earned one. Did somebody lift a rock the size of Beaver stadium out there in Happy Valley or what? How else to explain the sudden, Read More

Sporting Life

Was Joe Paterno Fired Because of His Two-Quarterback Offense?

philmaggitti 427 Views 2 min read

STATE COLLEGE, Penna. – Ostensibly ex-Penn State football coach Joe Paterno was fired by the school’s board of trustees because he had failed to step up and be counted when he was told nine years ago that his former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky had been observed buggering some helpless ten-year-old in the shower room in Read More

Sporting Life

Jerry Sandusky’s Tiny Tots Football Camps Now Accepting Applications

philmaggitti 435 Views 3 min read

STATE COLLEGE, Penna. – Penn State coaching legend Jerry Sandusky will offer a series of Jerry’s Kids Tiny Tots football camps for disadvantaged youth ages six to nine next summer. The sessions will be held at Camp Cowabunga, an Indian-theme campground north of Altoona, Pennsylvania. The Tiny Tots camps will be a departure for Coach Read More

Sporting Life

Sandusky Blitz Penetrates Top-Five Penn State Ice Cream Flavors

philmaggitti 422 Views 2 min read

HAPPY VALLEY, Penna. – Sandusky Blitz, long one of the limp dicks among the one hundred ice cream flavors offered at Penn State’s beloved Creamery, has suddenly thrust itself into the top five Creamery favorites. “I’m shocked to tell you the truth,” said Creamery manager Tim Brown. “We wouldn’t have hardly sold any Sandusky Blitz Read More

Culture

Herman Cain Sex Video Less Thrilling than Cold Pizza

Biff Scuzzy 454 Views 3 min read

ATLANTA, Geo. – The third shoe and a ten-foot stack of pizza boxes have fallen on presidential candidate Herman Cain. For the last three days Mr. Cain, 65, has been tap dancing like a fool trying to stamp out the rekindled embers of sexual harassment charges brought against him by two women during his term Read More