August 2019 – postcards from the pug bus

President Trump Vows to Make GPS Great Again

Biff Scuzzy 507 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Trump announced this morning that he would ask the Department of Homeland Security to investigate an alarming rise in GPS malfunctions. Although he stopped short of suggesting a link between terrorism and the rash of travelers who wound up as many as five hundred miles off course after following aggressive GPS instructions, the Read More

Book of Daze

National Just Because Day

philmaggitti 463 Views 1 min read

Today is National Just Because Day, an opportunity “to do something without rhyme or reason,” according to the folks at National Day Calendar, who suggest we celebrate by getting that outfit we’ve been admiring at the mall or using a vacation day to go fishing or singing at the top of our lungs while driving Read More

Blog Politics

Don’t Call Me a White Person Anymore

philmaggitti 526 Views 2 min read

Recently I was informed by the entrail readers at 23&Me that I am 1/500 sub-Saharan African or any other non-white subgroup. I was delighted by this revelation. In one small but insignificant stroke my street cred went up, as did my “offensive” explanations for my curly hair and fondness for fried chicken.” Then I heard Read More

Innerviews

Conversation with Man Whose Shit Doesn’t Stink

philmaggitti 518 Views 5 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – A twenty-five-year-old local man whose shit literally does not stink blames his rare condition for ruining his life. The unfortunate man—whom we will call “Helado,” the Spanish word for “ice cream”—told us his story over lunch at the Iron Hill Brewery last week. That story was a nightmare of broken friendships, Read More

Religion

What to Do When She Screams for God During Sex

philmaggitti 467 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER,Pa.—Atheism is the quickest-growing non-religion in the United States. To celebrate this encouraging development, we introduced recently an occasional series of articles by, for, and about atheists. We began with “Ask Nietzsche, Advice for Atheists,” a column designed to help atheists who find themselves caught in the sticky wickets often created by the bumptious Read More

Culture

High Times Touts CBD-Infused Maxi Pads

Biff Scuzzy 470 Views 1 min read

In its September issue, which has been out since mid-June, High Times magazine ran sponsored content pimping CBD oil as a cure for menstrual distress. We generally don’t put much stock in sponsored content or on websites that feature it—and we have noticed a determined effort from High Times to court female readers—nevertheless we thought Read More

News

Discordian Convention Coming to West Chester, PA

philmaggitti 482 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER,PA–Once known as The Athens of the East, this leafy college borough is bidding fair to become San Francisco East. Step one was the recent passage of a legally questionable ban on plastic bags. Step two, which preceded step one, as logic often does in colleges and their surroundings, is the number of students Read More

Saints Alive

OMG There’s a Patron Saint of Shorthand ISYN

philmaggitti 1347 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, Pa.–If you’re STD (sick to death) of people who splatter their “writing” with SFS (stupid fucking shorthand), you can thank Saint Cassian of Imola, the OPS (official patron saint) of shorthand. Cassian, who lived in the fourth century CE (common era), was a schoolmaster at Imola in north-central Italy. He also moonlighted as Read More

Blog

The Kids Are All Right

philmaggitti 513 Views 2 min read

I have nothing against children. Indeed, I think qualified persons should own a few. Children are often cute, sometimes amusing, and if we’re lucky, they grow into human beings instead of liberals. What does fry my old-straight-white-dude ass, however, is the effect that kids have on the people who create them–or who go out and Read More