Horoscope Dreams Starring Miley Cyrus, Martha Stewart, Lassie, and More

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Catmando—a mythical creature who is half human, half feline, and half baked—is famed for the bumbling accuracy with which he is able to see into the past darkly. Not content to flail around there, Catmando can also peer into the future just as darkly.

What’s more, thanks to a recent correspondence course he just took, he can interpret dreams if they meet the following criteria: the dreamer included his or her astrological sign; no one in his right mind could possibly could figure out what the dream meant; the dreamer enclosed a donation with his or her request.

Libra (9/23–10/23): One of your two dreams—either the one starring a mysterious woman with a tattoo of a Andalusian horse on her back or the one featuring an Andalusian woman riding a mysterious tattooed horse backward—portends a fatal disease. The nature of that disease will be determined by whether the woman is riding side saddle.

Scorpio (10/24–11/21): You dream that a screening of the Zapruder film at a JFK assassination memorial places you on the grassy knoll in Dallas on November 22, 1963, with a gun in your hand. If you were born after that date, you have no business being in this dream. Get over yourself.

Sagittarius (11/22–12/21): Bill Maher arrives at your house for a board meeting of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wearing a fur coat. Then you notice what appear to be grease smudges on his shirt collar. As Catmando interprets this dream, you are still conflicted over finding out there is no Easter Bunny.

Capricorn (12/22–1/19): You dream you’re in a football stadium where a marching band composed of dwarfs is singing, “As we live a life of ease/Every one of us has all we need.” You wake up and can’t remember the next line. It’s “Skies of blue and seas of green”; but that still doesn’t tell you what the dream’s about.

Aquarius (1/20–2/18): You stop for a hitchhiker, who asks you where you’re going. When you tell him, he bursts out laughing and says, “No thanks, chump.” Obviously you have about as much social standing as George Zimmerman. Catmando predicts Freddy Krueger was more popular than you were in high school.

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Pisces (2/19–3/20): Many Pisces suffer from genus envy: they wish they were some animal other than the one they are. You dream that you are Lassie, your hair is always perfect, and people give you treats all the time. Beware! The family cat is hiding under the bed, sharpening her claws, and starring in her own dream.

Aries (3/21–4/19): Any dream involving the Jonas Brothers, a 22-pound pinata filled with whipped cream, Miley Cyrus, and a macarena instructor named Pepe LePew deserves precise scrutiny. Unfortunately, Catmando had the same dream himself the other day, and he’ll be out of the office the rest of the week attending funerals.

Taurus (4/20–5/20): Many Taurans are puzzled by a dream of two beautiful black Pulik dogs with long, shiny dreadlocks. The Pulik bark melodically, but when they close their mouths, the barking continues. Catmando predicts you will be troubled by this dream until the Milli Vanilli movie is finally made.

Gemini (5/21–6/21): An alarming number of Geminis dream that Hilary Clinton arrives at their Halloween parties disguised as Dr. Ruth, then twerks with Glenn Beck, who’s disguised as Rush Limbaugh. Not surprising considering the large number of Geminis who have sexual identity problems and get less sex than an altered house cat.

Cancer (6/22–7/22): In a recurring nightmare you are the love child of fellow Cancers Mike Tyson and Nancy Reagan in a remake of Bedtime for Bonzo, and Tyson is sent back to prison for head-butting Mother Angelica. Chill out, homey, a lot of people fantasize about having inter-racial parents.

Leo (7/23–8/22): Nearly all Leos dream of a four-digit number, which they play in a lottery and win a large sum of money. If the number in your dream is 2664, you will return to earth as the AntiChrist in the year 2664, the next satanic year (one that’s divisible by 666).

Virgo (8/23–9/22): A person in white shoes at a dinner party is about to kiss your neck when you’re distracted by Martha Stewart, who breaks wind loudly while grooming a Himalayan cat with a salad fork. Will you adopt a cat soon? Will Martha Stewart adopt you? Would you really want to be adopted by someone who farts at the dinner table?    

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