WEST CHESTER, Pa.—Everybody knows that different gemstones, power phrases, colors, handshakes, and non-GMO crystals are associated with the various signs of the Zodiac. Only the elevated stargazer, however, can see the relationships among different items of stoner paraphernalia and signs of the Zodiac. So if you’re always a few nachos short of a grande, you should open your mind to the voices of the Sacred Paraphernalia of the Zodiac that rock your world, especially if that paraphernalia is hissing, belching clouds of smoke, or speaking to you in a digitally altered voice.
Virgo (8/23–9/22): Your ruling cosmic appliance—a Quad-core Self-Cleaning Yocan Pandon and Laser Light—will become exceedingly scarce and valuable on eBay after it is demonstrated by former Home Improvement star Jonathan Taylor Thomas on a QVC shopping channel segment entitled “Where Are They Now?” The correct answer can be obtained by putting a dab of CBD in the right chamber and a large dab of Sour Diesel in the left. Or vice versa.
Libra (9/23–10/23): The Kim Kardashian Electronic Chopsticks/Knitting Needles from Puffco appliances, the world’s foremost supplier of overpriced, crappy smoking devices—and now overpriced, crappy novelty devices—are perfect for weight conscious Librans. Instead of bloating on greasy wontons and calorie-laden duck sauce, you can knit one and purl two while waiting for your steamed selections from column A and column B to arrive via DoorDash.
Scorpio (10/24–11/21): The Ariana Grande 420 Air Freshener and Pasta Maker satisfies the Scorpio’s passion for practicality. You can now prepare dinner without worrying that the air in your kitchen will be compromised by eau de ganja while your tricolored tortellini are approaching al dente.
Sagittarius (11/22–12/21): Although panic buttons aren’t usually found on high-end, solar-powered ganja grinders, your Miley Cyrus Twerk It to a Fine Grind model is equipped with one in the event that the foam finger you’re rubbing yourself with as you’re grinding a dank, odiferous bud of Sour Mango gets stuck in the machine or in you.
Capricorn (12/22–1/19): Be the envy of the Zodiac with your Jesus H. Christ Rolling Tray and Christmas Carol Player, pre-loaded with more than two hundred religious Christmas songs and Gregorian chants. The Three Wise Men model features a GPS designed to help you follow your star.
Aquarius (1/20–2/18): Behind every successful Aquarian there’s a steam driven dab rig. Jeffrey Epstein, for example, used a crude form of one to get wasted and to press his prison duds during his brief stay in the lock-up. That’s why Mr. Epstein looked fly while the other dudes in prison looked as if they had their clothes pressed in the prison laundry.
Pisces (2/19–3/20): The Harry Styles Roach Clip and Multivariate Break-Up Messages, delivered in Harry’s own voice, is designed to highlight the perfect end to a smoking shesh or a clapped out relationship. Choose from more than fifty kiss-off messages. Don’t miss the one aimed at tall, clingy blondes who give bad head. Messages are not case sensitive or sensitive in any regard—neither is Harry.
Aries (3/21–4/19): Your fastidiousness and passion for order are governed by the Sterile-matic Continuous-Clean Toaster and Bud Drier. Unlike most people, whose toaster pans contain calcified nuggets with the mineral properties of fertilizer, your Sterile-matic and, by extension, your life are gleaming monuments to the civility that can only be attributed to perfectly dried weed.
Taurus (4/20–5/20): The constellation Amana passing through the House of Proctor and Gamble designates the Jack Herer One Hitter as your ruling sacred appliance. Unfortunately, the one hitter, like the crockpot can signify both the pleasure of eating with a family and the loneliness of the mechanized meal. Heads you win, tails you smoke alone.
Gemini (5/21–6/21): The Sir Paul McCartney autographed Davinci IQ model is the sacred appliance that soft rocks the Gemini world. One ten-second draw on this paisley, special-edition puppy and you’ll be warbling silly love songs while serving vegetarian treats to your guests and boring them with lectures about PETA.
Cancer (6/22–7/22): Cancerians owe their beautiful skin to the Electronic Zit Remover and Nectar Collector. Blind dates, important job interviews, appearances in police lineups—with the Electronic Zit Remover and Nectar Collector you can make a smooth appearance whatever the occasion. Jaden Smith and Selena Gomez swear by theirs. You will, too.
Leo (7/23–8/22): The 710 Aroma Therapy/Volcano Vaporizer is associated with many influential persons. Something of a departure for the folks at Volcano, this über rig is ideal for the inquisitive stoner who understands that there is more than one way to binge on terpenes. No matter what your Leo body type—Mick Jagger, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Mae West—a 710 Aroma Therapy/Volcano Vaporizer can help you keep you cool between the sheets. Arnold never hits on the help without hitting the 710 Aroma Therapy/Volcano Vaporizer first.
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