Atheist Scores Exclusive Interview with the Historical Jesus

Disclaimer: The following is a fictional, satirical conversation with a “Historical Jesus.” It’s a thought experiment about myth, storytelling, and the creation of belief–not an attack on faith. Please enjoy it for what it is.

Although we hold no brief for invisible friends in the sky–not the nine choirs of angels, the heavenly hosts, or any figments of fevered imagination–we remain fascinated by the Historical Jesus: the apocalyptic preacher who probably existed, who was crucified by Roman authorities, and about whom almost nothing else can be known for certain.

After consulting several biblical scholars, we managed to secure an exclusive interview with this elusive historical figure–a fascinating and thoroughly human being.

PUG BUS:

How do you feel about the way you’re portrayed in the New Testament?

HISTORICAL JESUS:

I call it the New Testicle because it makes me sound like some kind of traveling magician with an extra organ.

PB:

So you didn’t walk on water or heal the sick?

HJ:

No. Some of the other so-called divine preachers tried that routine, but I was a wordsmith–the thinking man’s zealot. That didn’t stop my followers from spreading miracle rumors, though.

PB:

What do you mean by “so-called divine”?

HJ:

I never claimed divinity. Read the Gospel of Mark–the first one written and still the best. Short, direct, no celestial fireworks.

PB:

Yet you’re called “the son of God” in Mark.

HJ: Sure, but my people–I am Jewish–called plenty of folks the “son of God.” It just meant you were thought to be doing divine work: rewarding the righteous, giving grief to the Romans, that sort of thing.

PB:

So if you weren’t divine, what about the others who claimed to be?

HJ: Mostly wishful thinking from their fans. I met a few–Apollonius of Tiana, the Egyptian, guys like that. We compared notes on where to sleep and where to get a free meal. The preachers got along fine; it was the followers who turned competitive. You know how believers get about brand loyalty.

PB:

The Gospel Jesus wouldn’t say “merde.”

HJ: Wouldn’t say anything with grit, if you believe the portraits. I’m from peasant stock–rough-living laborers. What did you expect me to sound like, that soft-focus guy in the picture frame with the glowing hair? Give me a break. My friends and I were working-class rebels, not perfumed saints.

PB:

Back to Mark.

HJ: You know those gospels weren’t written by their supposed authors, right? They were composed decades later in Greek–a language I didn’t speak–by people who never heard me preach. Mark came along about thirty-five years after Rome nailed me.

PB:

In Mark you said God’s arrival was at hand, that some listeners would live to see it.

HJ: Yeah, I missed that call. I said I wasn’t divine, remember? Happens to the best of prophets.

PB:

Was your crucifixion as dramatic as we’ve been told?

HJ: Forget the pageantry–no weeping extras, no Hollywood lighting. It wasn’t pretty, but it wasn’t a Broadway show either. I wouldn’t recommend it.

PB:

What happened afterward?

HJ: They cut me down and tossed me with the other troublemakers–no tomb, no marble headstone, no gated-community burial. Just another day under empire.

PB:

You didn’t rise from the dead?

HJ: Of course not. Paul and the writers who followed Mark spun that yarn out of whole burial cloth. What would you do if your movement collapsed in public? You’d invent a comeback story–resurrection, surprise appearances, triumphant exit. The miracle isn’t that they wrote it; it’s that people believed it, Romans included. Truth is, my crew never meant to start a religion. They were a bunch of out-of-work fishermen trying to save face back home. No one foresaw the corporate-faith franchise with gilded hats and purple robes. Holy smokes, that thing got out of hand.

PB:

True enough. Great talking to you.

HJ: Same here, brother. I’m off to EWTN next. I doubt they’re ready for my act–but neither were the Romans, eh?

⚠️ Satire rules here. If you are looking for facts, bring your own. If you are looking for spiritual, economic, or moral counseling, try prayer. Just do not bring any lawyers around this entertainment-only venue.