WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Born today you share a birthday with actress Jennifer Aniston, singer Sheryl Crow, and actor Burt Reynolds. Would Pugnacious be flogging a dead horse if he said you are, therefore, pathologically incapable of maintaining a relationship with a member of the same species? He didn’t think so. And what if he said your acting and singing abilites are negligible? Right again, eh? So why not go out on a limb here and predict that you have a one in three chance of going bald soon?
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Your gemstone, the sapphire, has the power to cure ulcers, heal eye infections, and kill venomous monsters. It also aids in interpreting oracles and signs. You’ll need it to figure out what the following message means: let he who is without moss, gather the first stone.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): A departed loved one named Curtis E. Flush is trying to contact you from the other side. That’s why your phone keeps ringing in the middle of compromising situations. Flush needs your assistance in navigating the River Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da, which leads to Strawberry Fields. Pugnacious can help. Just call 1-999-NEW-SCAM. Please have your credit card handy.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19): An acute allergic reaction to a rare organic food coloring will give you explosive diarrhea and furious metaflopia, a tendency to foam at the mouth while scrambling figures of speech. You will be mortally embarrassed while waiting for dessert when you suddenly leap up from the table and scream, “You can’t make lemonade without breaking a few omelettes,” then race from the dining room and barge into the wrong lavatory.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): The points on your stars will need root canal soon. So will one of your molars on the lower left side. As the days grow longer toward the virginal equinox, your prospects will, ironically, grow shorter. September is your song, save your voice until then. Meanwhile, hum a little quietly if you must. On the right side of your mouth, of course.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): You will have a recurring dream in which you travel to a strange land where the temperature is always a prime number; but on the day you arrive, the thermometer will read 80 degrees. Fearing the wrath of their gods, the inhabitants of that strange land will remove all the vowels from their alphabet. Thn th sht wll ht th fn.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/22): Cancerians are inclined to see the big picture. Unfortunately you have a small screen. Therefore, life to you is a brightly colored ribbon of Spam, sandwiched between two pieces of thick, black bread. You often feel as if you’re looking at events through the mail slot in somebody’s front door. Better hope that person doesn’t have a watchdog.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): The solution to your relationship problems is contained in the second verse of “Louie, Louie.” The solution to your financial problems lies in the knowledge that traditional bull-market, bear-market advice is meaningless in years divisible by 666, the number of the Beast. Nineteen-ninety-eight was one of those years. Can you guess when the next one will be?
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Pluto is out of the doghouse. If your blood type equals the square root of M, you will be blessed with the ability to channel. Otherwise, do not pass Go. Beware. Channeling isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be. A novice channeler died recently of cultural dissonance when the spirits of Karen Carpenter and 2 Pac Shakur mistakenly sang into the same channel.
Libra (9/23 – 10/23): Nearly all Librans are noted for cheating at solitaire, hoarding restaurant mints, and believing that John Bolton is the Antichrist. Later this week you will have leftover Chinese for lunch. This could be detrimental to your health because the last time you had Chinese was on New Year’s Eve. On the other hand, it could make you immune to retroviruses.
Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21): Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you’ve leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn’t Alzheimer’s. Or Lyme disease. Or Paula Abdul syndrome. You simply forgot to set your clock back in October.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Beware imitations or you might wind up putting your faith in a zircon in the rough. Don’t hide your light under a bushel; a breadbox is less translucent; besides, nobody looks for a light under a breadbox. Watch the history channel. It’s better to learn from our mistakes on television than it is to repeat them. Color outside the lines if you want. The wages of sin are tax-exempt this week.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Unlike many Americans, you know the number of senators in Congress; you can name at least one of yours; and you remember who the last vice president was. Your problem is, you can’t find your way to your garage door without a map. You must get your nose out of books, especially the ones your cat is sitting on at the time.
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