Tuesday, April 16, 2024
Horoscopes

Hillary Clinton, Keith Urban, Seth MacFarlane Have Birthdays Today

Are you ready for Hillary? Oh, why the fuck not? We look to have survived our first biracial president, so maybe it’s time for our first bisexual POTUS. After that, perhaps, a gay, a trannie, a lesbian, an autistic savant, a parapalegic—the protected groups are endless. Let your imagination and genetic diversity be your guide.

Today is Ms. Hillary’s sixty-eighth birthday. More presidents have been born in October, six, than in any other month. Will Hillary make it seven? Who cares?

Libra (9/23–10/23): You are the sort of underachiever who started out with nothing and still has most of it. Recently American Express sent you a preapproved credit card and a letter that began, “Don’t leave home with it.”

Scorpio (10/24–11/21): You meet a mysterious woman with a tattoo of a Sicilian donkey—or maybe a Sicilian woman with a mysterious tattooed donkey. The important thing is: eternal riches and happiness and a pair of tickets to the next Super Bowl will be yours if you can guess three consonants that appear in both the donkey’s and woman’s names. What’s more, you should play the combined weight of the woman and the donkey in the lottery today.

Sagittarius (11/22–12/21): For the time being you are fated to bite off less than you can chew. Your ego isn’t speaking to your superego, and your id isn’t returning anybody’s calls. Worse yet, your aura is about to have a bad hair day.

Capricorn (12/22–1/19): Now is the time to spread your wings, to wax extravagant, to wax that excess body hair, to use the high-price spread and the extra-wide spreader. Don’t settle for canned white button mushrooms when truffles are in season. Be bold, defy convention, defy the odds. Do not, however, attempt to defy gravity.

Aquarius (1/20–2/18): Troubled by your lack of formal education, you enroll in a no-courses, no-tests, no-waiting virtual university that awards degrees based on a student’s life experiences. After reviewing your application and waiting for your check to clear, the dean’s council votes to grant you a Bachelor of Arts in Compromising Positions with a minor in communicative disorders.

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Pisces (2/19–3/20): Ever the cynic you have no trouble believing it isn’t butter; that some minds would not be a terrible thing to waste; and that maybe you don’t deserve a break today. You also have a highly developed sense of irony, which leads you to walk around muttering “I see living people” in a tiny, traumatized voice.

Aries (3/21–4/19): A mysterious viral infection caused by eating oregano that was modified with growth hormones destroys your ability to speak in the past tense. Your affliction seems harmless enough until a man with unusually hairy knuckles standing behind you in a pizzeria hears you say, “I get the stromboli when I’m here last week.” This leads him to mistake you for Vinny “The Rat” Stugotz, a dime-dropper hiding out in the witness protection program. I leave town fast if I am you.

Taurus (4/20–5/20): When you apply for a patent on a drinking game involving a cucumber, a French-to-English dictionary, and an atomic clock, you run afoul of a local sheriff with political ambitions who calls the game obscene. You have two options: foreign distribution or losing the French, adding pork rinds, and naming the game after the sheriff.

Gemini (5/21–6/21): A retired CIA operative named Beano and a drag queen wearing six-inch spikes and a feather boa who calls himself Chuck E. Cheese figure prominently in your forecast. Their capacity for wreaking havoc with your financial plans is staggering. How did it come to this? Was it your obsession with secrecy or your fondness for illicit toppings that brought you to this star-crossed juncture? As you search for an answer, remember this: sometimes it’s a good idea to think inside the box, as Hillary does.

Cancer (6/22–7/22): A friend shows you how to turn back the odometer in your car, and suddenly you begin to look increasingly youthful and slim. You celebrate by going shopping. When you emerge from the mall, your car is missing. Gradually you begin to feel old. What a rude way to learn that your manipulative tendencies make you dependent on the objects that you manipulate. If they are removed, you’re screwed. Learn to manipulate yourself first, and try not to get caught.

Leo (7/23–8/22): You say everyone but your creditors and your parole officer forgot your birthday? Don’t let other people’s selfish preoccupations with their lives spoil the party. Send yourself an anonymous e-mail, agree to meet the sender for dinner, and don’t be shy about giving it up on the first date.

Virgo (8/23–9/22): The alignment of your birth stone (the guano) with your ruling house (the House of Pancakes) and your power tool (the plunger) suggests that you make sure you’re wearing clean underwear if you travel this week. If you take the car, be certain that your air bags are functioning correctly and your tires are properly inflated. Paranoia is nature’s way of telling you that something is sneaking up on you.

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