WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Born today, you share a birthday with Lindsay Lohan, 20. Like Ms. Blohan you treasure your privacy, so don’t be coy about telling people where you’re going to celebrate your special day. Ms. Blohan told Harper’s Bazaar that she was going “out of the country” to escape the paparazzi on her birthday.
“They won’t find me,” she declared. “No one can get a picture of you on Turks and Caicos.”
If you aren’t going to be in Harper’s in time to warn your friends, what about the office newsletter? What you say? No job? No credit? No problem. There’s still time to e-mail the important people in your life with the news that you do not wish to be bothered while you’re tucking into the Alice Springs Chicken at Outback to celebrate your birthday.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/22): The dating service you contacted suggests that you are best suited for the companionship of a significant other bearing a sticker that says, “Intel Inside.” The next time you go looking for love in one of those fee-based places, be sure to check the application box that reads, “Same-species partner preferred.”
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): As a consequence of your offending Hippolitus, the goddess of excess, your shadow keeps flipping you the bird; your boss recommends you for a lifetime nonachievement award; everything you eat tastes like hospital food; and the admissions committee at the Hot to Trot Bowl-a-rama turns down your application for membership.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Like most Virgos you are a sniveling complainer, unable to get your mind around the fact that we are all responsible for our own karma. Perhaps the mess that is your present life is but your last request from a previous existence. Try to discover why you were executed in that existence and what your first requests were.
Libra (9/23 – 10/23): A long-dormant trauma reawakens to disturb the electromagnetic resonance in your body. As a result traffic lights turn red when you approach them, and you cannot use your cell phone. On the bright side, people around you can’t use their cell phones either. Take a bus to the local mall and enjoy yourself.
Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21): You are close to learning how to harness your psychic powers. You can use them in the service of world peace, the pursuit of a cure for congenital disease, or the acquisition of free cable service. Choose wisely. What does it profit a man if he lives in a peaceful or a disease-free world but can’t afford all the premium channels?
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): The new moon rising in the House of Thesaurus puts an eclipse over your life, and the following adjectives wield a disproportionate influence on your affairs: banal, bovine, brainless, dense, thick, doltish, vapid, witless and jackass. Best to keep your powder desiccated until a pristine moon burgeons in the Domicile of Homonyms.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Despite your agitated pursuit of self-improvement, your hair remains your greatest asset. Accept your fate. Settle on a style and color that complement your aura, your inner child, and your budget. Learn to read your hairline and to follow where it leads.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Those who cannot predict the future are condemned to trip over it. The best prediction is a self-fulfilling prediction. You can turn any surprise to your advantage by saying cheerfully, “I knew that was going to happen.” If you can’t fool everyone, you might as well fool yourself.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): You will have several near-life experiences this week. You may be inclined to confuse them with dreams. That would not work to your advantage, especially if you were driving or operating heavy machinery.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You are one of those self-made people who started out with nothing and still have most of it left. Recently American Express sent you a mock-up of a credit card and a letter that began, “Don’t leave home with it.” You live each day as if it were going to be your last, then you wake up the next morning disappointed.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): After you rent Being John Malkovich, you have dreams in which every door in your house leads to the mind of a different celebrity. You discover that the doors do not lead to the same movie star each time when you try to reenter the Tom Cruise door and you wind up in Kirstie Alley’s mind instead.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): If astrological forecasts were like weather reports, yours would resemble a benign, sunny day on a tropical island: bright, balmy, and with just enough breeze blowing in off the ocean to make your hair sway in grateful appreciation of your good fortune.
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