WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Born today you share a birthday with Mariah Carey, 36, but don’t tell Ms. Carey; she’s not good at sharing. In fact if you ever meet her—which isn’t likely as the only persons she meets are her servants, record company executives, and spa employees—don’t tell her you have the same birthday. Ms. Carey screamed so loudly at the last person who claimed to share her birthday that the person suffered permanent hearing loss.
The same caution need not be exercised if you meet any of the other celebrities with whom you share a birthday, especially actor Julian Glover, 71, or actor Austin Pendleton, 66, both of whom will be thrilled that anyone knows they’re still alive, let alone the date of their birthday.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19): A stranger will stop you in the mall and ask if you can change a twenty. This is a trick question. Don’t rifle through your billfold. Don’t rummage through your purse. Grab your left elbow instead, spin around once, and shout, “Into what, a toad, you jackass?” The stranger will then grant you three wishes. Beware, those have trick answers.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): In a recurring (or is it reoccurring) dream, your adoptive (or is it adopted) child will insure (or is that ensure) your health and prosperity if you observe an upcoming festal (or it that festive) occasion—and if you finally learn the rules governing the use of that and which.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): While you are channel surfing during a thunderstorm, your remote is struck by a bolt of lightning that scrambles your five senses. You subsequently discover that a rose by any other taste looks like F sharp above middle C. Worse yet, you can’t get anything but the cooking channel on the tube.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/22): The price of crinoline futures suggests that now is the time to conquer your inability to execute an allemande left correctly. Buck up, crabchunk. You share a sign with Imelda Marcos, who knew something about feet. Besides, you’ve got to master the basics before you can progress to higher concepts like “cheating” with “visiting” partners.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Your sun is in debt, your moon is in denial, but the planet Immodium will keep you from losing control as long as you don’t have the leftover Szechuan pork for lunch. This weekend fortune smiles on you, but it’s a Mona Lisa smile. She may have a sharp object hidden under that dowdy frock.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): A person with the initials T.O. and a birthmark in the shape of a dollar sign in middle of his forehead will ask your advice about a financial matter. If your Neiman Marcus catalog doesn’t yield a solution, do what Pugnacious does when he’s stumped: wave your arms, stand on one foot, and shout, “What the hell do you think I am, psychic?”
Libra (9/23 – 10/23): Tacky clothes and cheap garden tools figure prominently in your future. Therefore, Pugnacious recommends that you purchase his new book, The Seers’ Catalog. It contains dressing and cross-dressing advice and lawn-care techniques that wizards have used to gain wealth and prosperity for centuries. Better yet, it contains discount coupons, a decoder ring, and easy-to-assemble 3-D glasses.
Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21): Someone will come to your door this week dressed as Larry King, trying to sell you a garlic supplement. Failing that, he’ll try to sell you ginseng hair dye or his latest product, Interdenominational Hemorrhoid Salve. Failing that, he’ll ask to use your bathroom. Don’t let him. He also hustles Scott Peterson’s handi-knives.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): You become obsessed with scanning the bar codes from all your purchases into the computer. Convinced that the lines constitute a treasure map, you begin digging in the back yard, only to discover a horde of missing household objects buried there, including some prescription drugs. When you return to your house, you notice the dog is missing.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): The embarrassing rash that kept you indoors the last fortnight should be gone by now, and that problem with lingering incontinence should be much better, too. Life takes a turn for the paranoid, however, when you hear that the large surly guy who just moved in down the street is in the witness protection program.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Dyslexia Major begins an extended passage through your moon’s ruling sauna this week. As a consequence, you may experience intermittent reading difficulties until the year 2007. Nevertheless, for reasons that Pugnacious cannot reveal, you stand a good chance of being the first Aquarian born on an even-numbered Wednesday to become famous.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Your financial galaxy is threatened by spam rising in the house of come-ons this quarter. Do not open e-mail with the words opportunity, money, or small African nation in the subject line. Do not visit websites that require proof of age before permitting you to log on. Avoid chat rooms sponsored by any business.
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