*Spoiler Alert: Whoops! Too late, but you knew he had to survive, didn’t you? Whatever . . .
Born today you share a birthday with our guest astrologer Matt Damon, and with a South American dictator; the founder of the United States Communist party; two members of the Average White Band; two members of an average white band (The Ramones); a old, washed-up, evil comedian; a politician too short to ride the Godzilla Coaster; a politician who talks like Godzilla; a Columbian serial killer; Sigourney Weaver, and Bruno Mars (who figures to look like a right Martian one day). That’s an astrological fright house even when the lights are on, eh? Wanna know who those mop handles are? We didn’t think so.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18): Your quest for financial security leads you to a three-day seminar on the design and marketing of cocktail umbrellas. A man whose hair looks as though it once belonged to an exotic quadruped assures you that Fortune 500 companies are eager to place their logos on miniature parasols and little Day-Glo sombreros. Don’t believe him.
Pisces (2/19-3/20): While riding the Amortization Loop at Reverse Mortgages ‘R’ Us, you decide it would be fun to fill out your financial information using sines, cosines, square roots, and negative integers. Don’t try it. Fanny Mae has never been noted for her sense of whimsy, much less for her sense of forgiveness.
Aries (3/21-4/19): Perhaps it’s time to reconsider your stubborn devotion to observing the letter of the law. Showing up at a black-tie-only affair wearing only a black tie, for example, is the kind of move that put the ass in asinine. What’s more, it severely compromises your ability to pull yourself up by your bootstraps.
Taurus (4/20-5/20): If you were being exiled to a remote, deserted island where you were going to spend the rest of your life alone and you could have only three books with you, which three would you choose? Consider your answer carefully. This is not a trick question. You will soon be exiled to a remote, deserted island, Skippy.
Gemini (5/21-6/21): Jealous because Leo is the first sign of the zodiac to register a corporate logo, Capricorn becomes the first sign to adopt the metric system. Be prepared for annoying banner ads whenever you visit Leo’s website, and be sure to state your material requests in metric as well as imperial terms when ordering from the House of Capricorn.
Cancer (6/22-7/22): Do not become overly impressed with the importance of your opinions just because you are asked to become part of the Nielsen television survey. Your friends may not understand when you begin dressing formally whenever you watch television, nor will they take kindly to your shouting “Are you kidding me?” when they ask to watch certain programs when visiting at your house.
Leo (7/23-8/22): The solution to your cat’s recent litterbox problems may be contained in your obsession with the ancient—but no longer fashionable—Chinese art of feng shui, which literally means “Put the sofa facing the window, Dim Sum.” Cats have traditionally become discommoded by the presence of mirrors, flutes, and wind chimes anywhere near their litter pans.
Virgo (8/23-9/22): The Ample and All-Majestic Spirit (who put the bop in the bop-shoo-bop) jumps the medial strip and collides with the Mother of All Cosmic Forces (who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dang). The fallout from this celestial encounter could have grave consequences for your life, not to mention your front lawn.
Libra (9/23-10/23): When you cannot remember the password for the Good Will Hunting Smart Toilet and Personal Health Monitor you had installed recently, you dash to the neighbor’s house and pound on the back door. The police arrive a few minutes later in response to the silent burglar alarm you triggered when you tried the door to see if it was locked. You have shat yourself in the meantime.
Scorpio (10/24-11/21): You dream you are on a cruise ship that strays into the Bermuda Triangle and is boarded by fast-talking pirates with irritating cockney accents who follow you around trying to sell you shoddy home-care products. Historically these dream figures have foretold the inheritance of great wealth or a debilitating degenerative disease.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21): Your tendency to go over the top causes personal relations to become strained after you are elected recording secretary of the Knock-Knock Joke Society. The vanity plate is annoying though essentially harmless, but push comes to shouting match when you install a “talking” doorbell that intones “Knock, knock? Who’s there?” whenever anyone rings it.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19): If you’re reading this, obviously my prediction that you would not commit suicide on national television while screaming “All lives matter” was on the money. Emboldened by that success, I, Matthew Paige Damon, further predict you will not be kidnaped by your birth mother this year, nor will a creepy old man disguised as Ben Affleck begin playing knick knack on your knee
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