Catmando—the office cat here at the Ganjascope℠, is descended from a race of mythical creatures who are half human, half feline, and half baked. Much of the bumbling accuracy with which the Ganjascope℠ can see into the future darkly is down to the influence of Catmando, whom we often suspect of blowing smoke up our asses. Anyway, this is what Catmando told us to tell you.
Taurus (4/20–5/20): Many Taurans are puzzled by a dream that stars two gorgeous, black Pulik dogs with long dreadlocks. The dogs bark melodically, but when they close their mouths, the barking continues. Such a fab dream suggests that you need to keep your sorry ass away from the Milli Vanilli OG. That shit contains more limonene than your average toilet bowl cleanser.
Gemini (5/21–6/21): After doing a Maureen Dowd with some edibles, you dream that Hilary Clinton arrives at your wedding reception disguised as Beyonce, then slam dances with Jay-Z, who’s disguised as R. Kelly. Not surprising, considering the large number of Geminis who have racial or sexual identity problems and who would fuck a pile of rocks if they thought there was a snake or a vote in it.
Cancer (6/22–7/22): That Dank Sour Mango cart you scored puts you at war with your demons, and your demons are winning. Besides, you are no longer on speaking terms with your conscience, and the cardinal virtues just sublet your beach house to the seven deadly sins. Do not change anything more significant than your ring tones until next week. Concentrate on small, manageable issues such as eliminating keyboard plaque or cataloging your CD collection.
Leo (7/23–8/22): You will be followed everywhere this week by agents from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. Why they’re following you is not relevant here. Besides, I suspect you know why, cough cough. Just make sure you don’t do anything incriminating in the presence of two guys in Joe Camel outfits.
Virgo (8/23–9/22): You poke fun at a mime, who replaces your shadow with a copy of his. After several embarrassing lunchtime incidents and a near arrest on obscenity charges, you begin going out only at night. This is a dreadful inconvenience, but it does solve that problem you were having with wet birds. Because you can’t call in sick forever, you must regain control of your shadow. Yoga and meditation are the best solutions, but if your schedule is too crowded, wearing a marijuana patch may help.
Libra (9/23–10/23): One of your two dreams—either the one starring a mysterious woman with a tatoo of a Andalusian horse on her back or the one featuring an Andalusian woman riding a mysterious tattooed horse backward—is a harbinger of disaster. I think it depends on whether the horse or the woman speaks in tongues.
Scorpio (10/24–11/21): You dream that a newly discovered piece of the Zapruder film shown at your surprise birthday party places you on the grassy knoll in Dallas on November 22, 1963, with a gun in your hand. A sorry manifestation of the Scorpio’s conflicting needs for secrecy and celebrity.
Sagittarius (11/22–12/21): Joe Biden arrives at your house for a meeting with People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wearing Ray-Bans and a fur coat and driving a ‘Vette. Then you notice his white hair has black roots. As Catmando interprets this dream, you’re conflicted about whether Biden is too old to be driving by himself.
Capricorn (12/22–1/19): You say you dream you’re in a football stadium where a 150-piece marching band is singing, “As we live a life of ease/Every one of us has all we need …”; but you wake up and try as you might you can’t remember the rest of the song? Either you’re stuck in the ’60s, day tripper, or soon that stupid song will be stuck in your head.
Aquarius (1/20–2/18): You stop for a hitchhiker, who asks you where you’re going. When you tell him, he bursts out laughing and says, “No thanks, chump.” Obviously you have about as much social standing as Milo Yiannoupolis. I’ll bet Jared the Subway dude was more popular than you were in high school.
Pisces (2/19–3/20): Many Pisces suffer from genus envy: they wish they were some animal other than a human. This condition manifests itself in a dream wherein you are Lassie, confidently greeting visitors to the farm and getting treats from them while the Ruffles, the family cat, is hiding in the shed, rolling in your stash.
Aries (3/21–4/19): Any dream involving the Snoop Dogg, a 22-pound pinata filled with whipped cream, the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, and a macarena instructor named Pepe LePew deserves precise scrutiny. Unfortunately, Catmando had the same dream himself the other day, and he’ll be out of the office the rest of the week attending funerals.
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