Tuesday, February 20, 2024
Sporting Life

Dab Rig Manufacturer Issues Refunds for Kaepernick Model

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SAN FRANCISCO—Rigs-R-Us, the nation’s leading manufacturer of “smoking enhancement technology for the socially conscious,” offered refunds today to any customers who bought a Colin Kaepernick Puffco Peak dab rig that would not start. The Kaepernick model ($399.99 MSRP), was introduced to coincide with the start of the National Football League season three weeks ago. It has been plagued with issues from the jump.

“At first we got complaints that the rig just didn’t want to start,” said Kenneth Hogan, chief of R&D at Rigs-R-Us. According to Mr. Hogan, “users reported that they almost had to plead with the Kaepernick model to ‘get in the game.'”

Mr. Hogan did acknowledge that the Kaepernick was a polarizing player. “For every customer who said the Kaepernick was taking money for nothing, we heard from someone who left a barely coherent message punctuated with shouts of ‘fuck the police.'”

Mr. Hogan was keen to point out that the Kaepernick Puffco Peak dab rig is “exquisitely sensitive and designed to function with responsibly sourced, top-shelf product only.” Therefore, he cautioned, persons seeking a refund for the Kaepernick Peak will have to provide a copy of the receipt—issued by a legally operating dispensary—for the concentrate they were vaping when the Kaepernick failed to perform.

“You can’t put cheap gas in a (Lamborghini) Urus and expect to get a smooth ride,” Mr. Hogan concluded. “The Kaepernick is a high-performance rig, and it needs to run on clear, medical grade distillate, not some crude oil that your next door neighbor made in the driveway.”

In related news, a spokesman for Duck Donuts® says the company has no plans to recall its popular Heavenly Hash Tag flavor, despite some complaints that the donuts “don’t taste like they used to.”

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