June 2005 – Page 2 – postcards from the pug bus

Leonardo DiCaprio Assaulted by Animal Rights Activist

Biff Scuzzy 475 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – Leonardo DiCaprio was smacked upside the head by a bottle-wielding animal rights activist while leaving a party in the pre-dawn Hollywood hours yesterday. As DiCaprio, who was wearing a leopardskin codpiece at the time, was walking toward his car, a woman raced up behind him yelling, “Death to animal abusers.” When the Read More

News

Terri Schiavo Autopsy and Diary Show No Abuse

Biff Scuzzy 436 Views 4 min read

PINELLAS PARK, Fla. – What if Terri Schiavo could have keep a diary? What if, instead of being in a vegetative state, Ms. Schiavo had been in some kind of divinely omniscient, idiot savant state, all wise and all knowing? Would her comments about the controversy that swirled around her have been borne out by Read More

Celebrities

Britney Spears Speaks Out about Namibia Trip, Again

philmaggitti 409 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – A satirical “news” report about Britney Spears’ plan to move to Namibia that appeared on this website yesterday has been corroborated by China Daily, proving once again that fiction is sometimes no stranger than truth. According to the satirical report, which turned out to be true after all, Ms. Spears revealed her Read More

Celebrities

Tom Cruise Signals Scientology Mothership

philmaggitti 447 Views 4 min read

LOS ANGELES – Scientologist Tom Cruise has been playing the mad-brained bear of late. He scared the hell out of Oprah last month by going all spastic on her show—leaping onto her couch and using it for a trampoline, jumping to the floor, dropping to one knee, and copping an exaggerated muscle-boy pose, then hopping Read More

News

The Michael Jackson Jury Profiled

philmaggitti 435 Views 3 min read

SANTA MARIA, Calif. – The twelve people who will decide whether Michael Jackson did indeed ply a thirteen-year-old former cancer patient with Mogen David 20/20 and erotic-shaped gummy bears is a jury of Michael’s peers in one significant way: none of them is black. The four-man-eight-woman jury, which ranges in age from twenty (too old Read More

News

Runaway Bride Wilbanks Gets Probation, Cooking Show

Biff Scuzzy 406 Views 3 min read

ATLANTA – Jennifer Wilbanks, America’s Runaway Bride, parlayed her fifteen minutes of fame into a half-hour cooking show as a result of pleading no contest to a felony charge of making false statements to police. Dressed in a black jogging suit and running shoes—but without her trademark multicolored afghan over her head—Wilbanks pleaded no contest Read More

Culture

XXX Adult Porn Domains Get Red Light

philmaggitti 450 Views 2 min read

CORNISH FLATS, N.H. – The Internet Police approved a scheme yesterday that will create a virtual red-light district in cyberspace. Known by the catchy code name Hooterville, this plan will establish a new class of web addresses, .xxx, that will be available to all pornographic websites. According to the terms of the Hooterville plan, a pornographic website Read More

News

CNN’s Nancy Grace Bites Michael Jackson Fan Outside Courthouse

philmaggitti 426 Views 2 min read

SANTA MARIA, Calif. – Celebrity lawyer Nancy Grace savagely attacked a Michael Jackson fan outside the Santa Maria courthouse yesterday during the vigil preceding the announcement of the jury’s verdict in Jackson’s child molestation trial. Grace, 45, was conducting sidewalk interviews among legions of Jackson faithful when a man in the crowd yelled, “Who let Read More

Celebrities

Tom Cruise Debunks Female Orgasm Study

Chip Hilton 454 Views 3 min read

L. RON HUBBARD’S HOUSE – Scientologist Tom Cruise issued a press release today denouncing an article in the journal Biology Letters for reporting that a woman’s ability to achieve an orgasm is more heavily influenced by her genetic makeup than by any other factor. Calling the article “pseudoscientific rubbish,” Cruise declared that virginity is the primary determinant Read More

News

Best-Selling Postcards from the Pug Bus Syndicated

philmaggitti 461 Views 11 min read

INTRODUCTIONThe End of the Road There is no better way to breathe life into a career than by retiring. Like death, retirement is a great career move; unlike death, however, retirement does not have to be a one-and-done affair. The retiree still possesses options, one of which is to unretire—also a great career move. F. Read More

Celebrities

Tom Cruise and Brooke Shields Trade Insults

Chip Hilton 465 Views 3 min read

Stay tuned all you rubberneckers and doctoral candidates in celebrity meltdowns. The vanilla sky’s apparently the limit as Cruise ricochets across American promoting his summer release, War of the Worlds, which opens in theaters on June 29. While Cruise’s rapidly diminishing number of friends and fans were still asking “What’s gotten into that boy?” after seeing Read More

Religion

Charlotte Church Flirting with Tibetan Buddhism

philmaggitti 409 Views 3 min read

CARDIFF – Charlotte Church told reporters yesterday that “in all probability” she will become a practicing Buddhist soon. The nineteen-year-old singer, who has been struggling for the last three years to establish her identity apart from the music industry, said she is “thoroughly disenchanted by the antediluvian posturing of the Catholic Church” into which she Read More