Jimmy Kimmel’s Emotional Incontinence on Display, Again
In the theatre of human emotion, there is nothing like the sight of a middle-aged talk show host suffering an attack of emotional incontinenceĀ because a politician said a mean word or a celebrity child sneezed in a heartwarming fashion. We have long witnessed James Christian Kimmel transform into a human garden hose so frequently that the Burbank fire department now keeps him on retainer for emergency drought relief.
Just days ago, on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, he became visibly upset and broke down in tears during his monologue about the fatal shooting of ICU nurse Alex Pretti by federal immigration agents. He condemned the incident, called for accountability, and delivered a heartfelt tribute that brought him to tears on air.
These are the top ten moments when the man who once hosted a show about women jumping on trampolines decided to become the official mascot for Big Tissue.
The Great Health Care Monsoon of 2017
This was the performance that launched a thousand damp handkerchiefs. Jimmy stood before his audience and delivered a monologue so saturated with salt water that viewers at home reported their television screens were beginning to rust. It was a masterclass in the “quivering chin” technique that would later become his signature move.
The Cecil the Lion Catastrophe
When a dentist in Minnesota decided to play a high-stakes game of tag with a lion, Jimmy took it personally. He wept with the intensity of a man who had just watched his own childhood home being demolished by a wrecking ball made of gluten.
The Trump-Victory Puddle
Like a soggy version of Brigadoon, Jimmy has emerged following President Trump’s victories to mourn the fact that the democratic process did not go the way his favorite Hollywood actors hoped it would. These segments usually involve him staring into the camera with the damp, soulful eyes of a basset hound that has been told it can no longer have treats.
The Matt Damon Feud Mirage
p>During a rare moment of purported levity, Jimmy once pretended to cry because his long-standing “feud” with Matt Damon reached a particularly emotional plateau. It was a confusing display of meta-irony where the audience could not tell if he was weeping for the joke, for the craft of acting, or simply because he realized he had forgotten to turn off the oven.The Farewell to a Late-Night Legend
When a fellow talk show host retires, Jimmy acts as if he is witnessing the heat death of the universe. He blubbers with such abandon that one might assume the departing host was his primary kidney donor rather than a man who occasionally shared a parking lot with him.
The Baby Milestone Meltdown
p>Jimmy loves nothing more than a milestone. Whether it is a first step or a successful heart surgery, the man will respond by turning his studio into a makeshift swamp. It is a beautiful reminder that even if you are a multi-millionaire, you can still find time to sob like a Victorian orphan.The Mean Tweets Emotional Backlash
Occasionally, while reading “Mean Tweets,” Jimmy will encounter a comment so mildly critical of his forehead that he must take a moment to compose himself. The tragedy of being told your haircut looks like a thumb is a cross that only Jimmy can bear with such moist dignity.
The Holiday Spirit Overflow
During the Christmas season, Jimmy often finds himself overcome by the sheer weight of commercialism and synthetic snow. He has been known to weep at the sight of a puppy in a bow, a child with a candy cane, or perhaps just the realization that he has to talk to his Aunt Sheila at dinner.
The Award Show Snub Sob
After hosting an award show where everything went perfectly according to a teleprompter, Jimmy has been spotted backstage leaking tears of pure relief. It is the cry of a man who survived three hours of telling jokes to people who are much more famous than he is, and honestly, who can blame him for that?
The Monday Night Realization
Sometimes, Jimmy just looks at the state of the world on a Monday afternoon and decides that the only logical response is to liquefy his own pride. He stands there, a beacon of dampness in a dry world, reminding us all that if you have enough cameras pointed at you, your internal struggle can become a very profitable brand of public catharsis.
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