The Unfinished Projects Division of the FBI Launches Door‑to‑Door Audit
The Unfinished Projects Division of the FBI initiated its first nationwide door‑to‑door audit this morning. Agents dressed in the bureau’s signature beige windbreakers arrived unannounced to inspect half‑assembled furniture, abandoned knitting projects, and the sourdough starter that has not been fed since the previous administration. People were instructed to remain calm, truthful, and within reach of any project they had once vowed to complete “when things quiet down.”
According to the FBI’s briefing materials, the audit seeks to quantify the nation’s “ambient backlog,” the psychological drag created by every stalled ambition, forgotten hobby, or aspirational purchase still in its original packaging.
The bureau insists that the audit is not punitive, though citizens are required to provide written explanations for each dereliction. Acceptable explanations include “loss of momentum,” “unforeseen emotional weather,” and “I thought it would be fun at the time.” Unacceptable explanations include “I do not recall,” “It is none of your business,” and “I reject the premise of linear time.”
Early reports indicate that agents will begin issuing citations for “aspirational clutter,” a category encompassing items purchased in a burst of optimism and subsequently abandoned in a closet. These citations carry no fines but do require the recipient to sit through a brief instructional video titled Follow‑Through: A Civic Responsibility. The video has been described by viewers as “overly calm” and “far too confident about my potential.”
Predictably, a black market has already formed for counterfeit completion certificates. These documents, printed on glossy cardstock, claim that the bearer has successfully finished a project of moderate difficulty. The Bureau warns that possession of such certificates will result in additional paperwork, which it characterizes as “the most effective deterrent known to modern governance.”
Meanwhile, Congress has announced hearings to determine whether procrastination is a constitutional right. Legal scholars are divided. Some argue that the founders clearly intended for citizens to defer unpleasant tasks indefinitely, while others maintain that the pursuit of happiness does not include the pursuit of avoiding one’s to‑do list.
For now, the Bureau encourages people to prepare for inspection by gathering all unfinished projects in a single, well‑lit area and rehearsing their explanations in a calm, neutral tone. The bureau notes that honesty is appreciated, but resignation is preferred.
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