Postcards from The Pug Bus

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Culture

Hands on Meditation

4 weeks philmaggitti
Man practicing hands on meditation. He sits in an armchair with eyes closed, making a sweeping lasso motion with his right hand above his head.
When you’re trying to achieve inner peace but your inner cowboy wants to wrangle a stray thought.

The practice of hands on meditation began in the fourth century CE when a monk named Barnaby the Restless came to the conclusion that his fingers possessed a spiritual hunger that could not be satisfied by simply resting them on his knees when he meditated. He therefore created mobile meditation to acknowledge the biological truth that humans like to fiddle with their hands.

The core of the Barnaby’s routine is simple. Sit in a chair, or lean against a sturdy mailbox, and begin to count your breaths in the standard fashion. You accent every third or fourth exhale, however, with a physical flourish. This outward expression of the inner self helps to vent the excess pressure of being alive. If a breath feels heavy, for example. you might punctuate it by shaping your hands into a pair of pistols and firing a double round of enlightenment into the air.

When your thoughts stray, rotate one hand above your head in a wide, looping motion. This gesture is designed to lasso runaway thoughts before they can escape into the kitchen to think about snacks.

Following some breaths, a slow, dignified wave to an imaginary crowd will help to build a sense of importance, which is vital for maintaining your mental health in a world that mostly ignores you. It is a favorite of several minor European royals who find sitting still to be beneath their station.

For people seeking a more theatrical release, the “Jazz Hands” maneuver is highly recommended during the transition between the tenth breath and the realization that you forgot to pay the water bill.

Celebrities have already begun to embrace hands on meditation with an intensity usually reserved for juice cleanses. Benedict Cumberbatch recently remarked that hands on meditation is the only way he can meditate without vibrating out of his skin. He swears that a subtle finger-snap on every fifth breath helps him maintain the illusion of being a functional human being.

Although mindfulness meditation appears to be losing advocates, more people are finding their centers by moving their hands like a conductor who has lost his baton. The hands on meditation movement is beginning to return to the masses, offering a way to find peace without the inconvenience of remaining motionless.

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The preceding is satire. Straight up, Skippy. No warranties are expressed or implied. For life advice, try a professional. For investment tips, try a dart board. For salvation, the gentleman in the robe has been handling that portfolio for 2,000 years.