The Digger Award: Horoscopes’ Greatest Flops

Every zodiac sign has a greatest failure. An unforseen romantic disaster, a fatal career miscalculation, a sad  investment in something advertised on late-night television. This week, the stars revisit those greatest flops and explain why the people responsible may be fixing to repeat them.

Aries (March 21–April 19): Your greatest failure was not acting without thinking. It was thinking afterward and deciding you had been right.

Taurus (April 20–May 20): Your most regrettable purchase will finally reach the end of its extended warranty. Unfortunately, you are still making payments on it. The stars suggest selling it, but you have become emotionally attached to the monthly statement.

Gemini (May 21–June 20): An old romantic disaster is back in your inbox, apparently dissatisfied with the damage caused during its first engagement.

Cancer (June 21–July 22): Your attempt to repair a strained family relationship will reopen three dormant grievances and introduce a fourth that nobody remembers happening. By week’s end relatives will be consulting a seating chart from Thanksgiving 2017.

Leo (July 23–August 22): You will revisit your greatest professional triumph, only to discover that everyone else remembers it as the afternoon the fire department arrived. Your proposed commemorative luncheon has been declined.

Virgo (August 23–September 22): You discover that the five-year plan you abandoned in 2021 is proceeding exactly on schedule without you.

Libra (September 23–October 22): You  attempt to remain neutral during a neighborhood dispute. Both sides accuse you of treachery. A compromise involving a shared leaf blower will make matters worse. By Sunday, you will be the only resident without access to the communal dumpster.

Scorpio (October 23–November 21): The Digger Award committee has reviewed your handling of a minor disagreement and upgraded your nomination to Lifetime Achievement.

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21): A vacation you once described as the trip of a lifetime will resurface in your memories, accompanied by the hotel bill, an unresolved customs inquiry, and photographs of a man you insist was not traveling with you. Jupiter recommends staying home, unaware that the plumbing is about to fail.

Capricorn (December 22–January 19): Your greatest financial mistake will be reclassified as a long-term investment after you discover that selling it would require admitting what you paid for . An accountant will recommend patience, followed by a discreet change of subject.

Aquarius (January 20–February 18): An invention you abandoned years ago will appear on television, marketed by someone who had the foresight to make it work. Your subsequent patent claim will be weakened by the discovery that your original prototype was constructed entirely from coat hangers and dental floss.

Pisces (February 19–March 20): A second chance arrives disguised as the first mistake, which explains why you recognize it immediately.

Encore: The stars remind everyone that failure is merely success viewed from an unfavorable angle. Hollywood has been using this explanation for decades.

The full library of cosmic misfires and zodiac malpractice is yours just by clicking here—a link the Surgeon General has not yet condemned.