Jennifer Aniston’s Break Up Gets Happy Ending

HOLLYWOOD – Universal Pictures has acknowledged that the ending of The Break Up, a romantic comedy starring Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn, has been rewritten. The studio decided on a do over, said Universal spokesman Ralph Gould, after test audiences had reacted badly to the original ending.

In that version the characters portrayed by Ms. Aniston and Mr. Vaughn—who are now dating in real life—split up and begin seeing other people.

“Jen’s been through enough,” said test audience member Mindy Roberts of Chicago. “First she loses Brad and now Vince. She deserves to be happy. That ending was a downer.”

Ms. Roberts’ opinion was echoed by virtually all the women in test audiences in Chicago, Hartford, Atlanta, Phoenix, and Portland, Oregon. Even the token men included in the screenings thought Ms. Aniston had “put up with enough.”

“It’s not like she’s a heifer or anything,” said Vince Vitelli of Hartford. “A chick like that doesn’t get thrown in the weeds.”

A source close to Universal said that in the new ending Mr. Vaughn’s character quits partying, loses forty pounds, and surprises Ms. Aniston’s character with the news that she’s pregnant.

Meanwhile, the character who jilted Ms. Aniston before she met Mr. Vaughn comes to grief when his new love “begins treating him like her bitch.” When she becomes pregnant with his child, she demands that he look after her two adopted Third World children, ages four and one. She insists on delivering the new baby in Namibia, where life expectancy is forty-three years and one in four adults has AIDS. After the baby is born, she tells him he isn’t the father—an Ovambo tribal chieftain is.

In other news, Paris Hilton, who attended a Los Angeles Lakers game yesterday, said she thought the players “dribbled too much before they shot.”