A Reverse Quantum Horoscope for July 1, 2025
A Reverse Quantum Horoscope, wherein your future is determined by the mistakes made by dead people with whom you share a sign.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): We strongly advise against leaping into the tiger’s enclosure to “reclaim the throne.” Do not mistake foolhardiness for invincibility. Avoid jungle cats, karaoke, and any situation involving a literal spotlight.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Today you will collapse while alphabetizing your spice rack by region, genus, and karmic vibration. Later mess something up on purpose. Burn toast. Leave a sock unmatched. Your life may depend on it.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22): A Libran died of indecision at a four-way stop. Their ghost is not signaling yet. Today, make a choice—any choice. Even if it’s wrong. Especially if it’s wrong. It’s your best shot at surviving.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Beware accidentally poisoning yourself while testing love potions on Tinder dates. Passion is risky today; just order takeout and avoid alchemy. If you must seduce, wear gloves.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): A Sagittarian wanders into the Amazon with a guidebook, no guide, and three microdoses of enlightenment. He/she is last seen arguing with a toucan. Today, stay indoors. You are not that spiritually evolved.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Who wants to die in a board room, buried under an avalanche of performancemetrics? No one will even notice for days. Try leaving the office before midnight tonight. Or ever.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): After attempting to upload your consciousness to a toaster, you are burning your own thoughts. Avoid tech experiments and conversations that begin, “What if reality is just … ”
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): A Pisces mistook a koi pond for a portal back to Atlantis. Gone, but not unmoisturized. Stay grounded today. Bathtubs are not soul chambers. And yes, that voice is just your neighbor’s blender.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19):You will be crushed by a irate vending machine while shaking it to score a free Snickers. The stars advise you to resist temptation, especially if it requires tilting heavy machinery. Beware snacks that fight back.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): You will choke to death on artisanal cheese while lecturing a dinner party about mouthfeel. Modesty may not save your life, but chewing thoroughly might. Avoid dairy and self-satisfaction today.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Today, limit yourself to one persona at a time. Do not text three exes and compose a subtweet while skydiving. Digital drama and high-altitude sports are strange bedfellows.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): A fellow Cancerian drowned in his/her own tears after being unfollowed by the cat on Instagram. Emotional boundaries are not optional today. Try knitting. Or screaming into a void quietly.
