Wednesday, June 12, 2024

Apple iPhone 12 Contains Fecal Finder™ App

In its rollout of the iPhone 12, Apple seems to have saved one of the most revolutionary features of its gear new phone for last: the Fecal Finder™ app, which can detect fecal material as small as one part per one hundred millionth on any iPhone 12.

“That’s like being able to detect fly shit in a hay stack,” said Apple’s CEO, Tim Cook.

Apple was keen to develop the Fecal Finder™ app after the release of a British study two years ago that reported that one out of every six iPhones in the U.K. is contaminated with the E. Coli bacteria. That’s the good news. The bad news is: the source of E. Coli is usually shit.

Does this finding imply that one out of six iPhone users in the U.K. wipes his or her ass with a cell phone? Probably not, said Dr. Don Reynolds of Beach Urgent Care; but some people do take their iPhones into the loo, where they check their email and maybe phone in an order for a take-away curry; and if your left hand doesn’t know what your right hand is doing, your phone is going to start smelling like your ass one day .

The first time the Fecal Finder™ detects the presence of merde on an iPhone, the app places a robo call to that phone’s number, asking the phone’s owner to clean up his or her act. If the phone is still contaminated the following day, the Fecal Finder™ places a robo call reminder. Upon a third consecutive fecal detection, the Fecal Finder™ app locks down the offending phone, which is good for placing only three emergency calls until it has been cleaned.

“Of course,” sighed Mr. Cook, “this problem could be avoided if people washed their hands thoroughly after using the bathroom. Steve (Jobs) was obsessed with personal hygiene. He used to wash his hands fifteen times a day. Hell, I’ve seen him wash his hands when somebody else used the bathroom, so I know that somewhere he’s looking down on the Fecal Finder™ with that goofy smile of his.”

In related news: the iPhone 12+, scheduled for a late summer release, will feature anal recognition technology that will enhance the use of the Fecal Finder™, GrindMe, and other popular apps.

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