Saturday, December 9, 2023

Trey Anastasio App Pulled by Google, Phish Fans Bummed

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MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. – In a move that is certain to harsh the mellows of thousands of Phish fans, Google announced late yesterday that it has cancelled the release of the greatly anticipated Trey Anastasio app, which had been scheduled for release at 4:20 a.m. today, the singer’s forty-seventh birthday.

Ronald Forbin, chief of quality control for Google’s Android Open Source Project (AOSP), cited multiple problems with the app’s Trey Talk interactive feature as the main reason for the cancellation.

“Trey Talk was the centerpiece of the application,” said Mr. Forbin, “the feature that we hoped would set it apart from run-of-the-mill music apps that merely allow people to access a performer’s tour dates, set lists, and merchandise store.”

Trey Talk—built on sophisticated, artificial intelligence software—was designed to allow users to ask Trey a question simply by launching the app and speaking into their cell phones. After a nanosecond’s pause, Trey Talk answered the question as though Mr. Anastasio—who resembles a literate Chuck Norris—were on the other end of the line.

“We put Trey Talk through extensive beta testing, and we thought we were good to go,” said Susan Greenberg, chief of product testing for AOSP. “In a last minute, pre-release check, however, our technicians discovered that Trey Talk’s response to any question grew noticeably longer the more often that question was asked. To our shock we found that some of Trey Talk’s answers were running fifteen to twenty minutes and longer.”

Ms. Greenberg also revealed that Trey Talk “had a tendency” to interrupt people and to begin answering a question before it had been completed.

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Although she declined to say how AOSP had made the discovery, Ms. Greenberg acknowledged that Trey Talk malfunctioned whenever anyone within twenty feet of an open alcoholic beverage or a lit spliff attempted to use the app. Before users who were toking up had a chance to ask their questions, Trey Talk delivered an anti-drug (or alcohol) rant.

Not surprisingly, Phish fans’ glow sticks have lost some of their glow because of the cancellation and Trey’s aggressive sobriety after years of being the most stoned dude in the room.

“This really blows,” said Jared Ruffin, an employee at Hood’s dairy in Burlington, Vermont. “It’s almost as bad as the time Trey put on a suit and testified before Congress that he had seen a lot of guys using drugs when he was in prison for two days. Bummer, man.”    

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