philmaggitti – Page 29 – postcards from the pug bus

Paul McCartney’s Top 10 Signs Your Wife’s a One-Legged Hooker

philmaggitti 440 Views 2 min read

LONDON – Paul McCartney told the News of the World that he realizes now he should have seen the signs that Heather Mills, his estranged wife, had been a call girl before she married him. Mr. McCartney, 63, said he was caught with his pants up by revelations that when Heather was in her twenties, she had Read More

News

U.S. Military Leaks al-Zarqawi Sex Tape, Sunnis Riot

philmaggitti 415 Views 5 min read

RAMADI , Iraq – Thousands of Sunnis rioted after a U.S. military official had leaked a copy of a twenty-five-minute sex tape found in the rubble of the “safe house” where Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was killed on Wednesday. The tape, which somehow survived the bomb blast that killed Mr. al-Zarqawi and seven of his associates, Read More

Sporting Life

Michelle Wie Contemplates Retiring from Golf

philmaggitti 495 Views 4 min read

SUMMIT, N.J. – Michelle Wie has nothing left to prove on the golf course, and she may retire soon to pursue other career opportunities in arenas traditionally dominated by men. Ms. Wie made her announcement yesterday after another inspiring performance, this time at the Canoe Brook Country Club, where she dominated the galleries and the Read More

Sporting Life

Barbaro E-mail Addresses Bombarded with Spam

philmaggitti 446 Views 2 min read

KENNET SQUARE, Penna. – Two e-mail addresses created to allow racing fans to send get well messages to Barbaro may have to be shut down. According to Dean Richardson, the veterinarian who operated on the Kentucky Derby champion after he had fractured his right hind leg in the Preakness, more than half the e-mails sent Read More

Music

Paul McCartney Mourns Loss of Handicapped Parking Sticker

philmaggitti 417 Views 2 min read

LONDON – Friends of ex-Beatle Paul McCartney say he is disconsolate about the loss of the handicapped parking sticker to which he had access while he was living with his estranged, one-legged wife, Heather Mills. “It’s really all he talks about,” said Pink Floyd frontman David Gilmour. “That and the great sex they had. Apparently Read More

Politics

President Bush Sending Jehovah’s Witnesses to Patrol Border

philmaggitti 443 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Bush said last night that he will deploy 8,000 Spanish-speaking Jehovah’s Witnesses to the Mexican border to help stop the flow of illegal immigrants into the United States. Acknowledging that this country has virtually no control of its southern border, Mr. Bush argued in a prime time speech to the nation Read More

Politics

Bush, Verizon Team Up to Sell NSA Telephone Spying Program

philmaggitti 440 Views 3 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush will announce during his weekly radio address today that he is taking the place of Paul Marcarelli, the long-time face of Verizon Wireless advertising, in a new series of commercials designed to sell Americans on the next phase of the president’s domestic spying initiative. As part of that Read More

Celebrities

Nicole Richie’s Top Ten Signs You’re Visiting a Bad Porn Web Site

philmaggitti 394 Views 2 min read

HOLLYWOOD – Nicole Richie told Vanity Fair that she did not screen Paris Hilton’s career-making sex tape, “1 Night in Paris,” for some of their friends at a Los Angeles party. According to a longstanding Hollywood rumor, Ms. Hilton’s celebrated feud with Ms. Richie began in January 2005 when Ms. Hilton arrived at a party where Ms. Read More

Celebrities

Jennifer Lopez Introduces Combination Grill and Small Animal Crematorium

philmaggitti 387 Views 2 min read

MALIBU – Jennifer Lopez, whom People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has attempted to make the butt of its anti-fur campaign, responded by announcing the intro-duction of the Jennifer Lopez Combination Grill and Small Animal Crematorium. “Each year the bodies of hundreds of thousands of perfectly healthy small animals harvested for the fashion industry Read More

Music

Keith Richards Out of His Tree, Hillary Clinton Out of Beano

philmaggitti 436 Views 2 min read

AUCKLAND – Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards suffered a mild concussion after falling out of a coconut tree at the luxurious Wakaya Club resort in Fiji last week. Mr. Richards, who had been picking coconuts at the time, was knocked unconscious by the fifteen-foot fall. According to a source close to the Rolling Stones, Read More

Celebrities

Kaavya Viswanathan Is a Literary Fraud, Says Nicole Richie

philmaggitti 395 Views 2 min read

MALIBU – Author Nicole Richie has lashed out at Kaavya Viswanathan, calling the Harvard sophomore a literary fraud for plagiarizing large parts of Megan McCafferty’s Sloppy Firsts and Second Helpings. In a sharply worded statement released through her literary agent, Ms. Richie said, “What Ms. Viswanathan did is worse than showing up at a club wearing a dress Read More

Culture

Harvard Author Blames Literary Theft on Acid Reflux

philmaggitti 429 Views 4 min read

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. – Harvard sophomore Kaavya Viswanathan, 19, blames acid reflux for the numerous and striking similarities between her chick-lit novel, How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild and Got a Life, and two books by Megan McCafferty: Sloppy Firsts and Second Helpings. In an interview yesterday at the office of Little, Brown and Company, her publisher, Ms. Viswanathan Read More

Celebrities

Charlie Sheen Denies That He Is Gay

philmaggitti 442 Views 2 min read

HOLLYWOOD – Charlie Sheen said in a prepared statement yesterday that he is not presently nor has he ever been a homosexual. Mr. Sheen’s denial came in response to accusations leveled at him by his estranged wife, Denise Richards, who charged that Mr. Sheen threatened to kill her, abused prescription drugs, gambled compulsively, and snorted Read More

Politics

Bush to Assume Presidency in Continuing White House Shakeup

philmaggitti 429 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Left high and dry by declining poll numbers and eroding public confidence, George W. Bush continues his shakeup of the White House in an effort to salvage his second term. Yesterday Scott McClellan, the sweaty, pink-faced presidential press secretary, resigned; and Karl Rove, the sweaty, pink-faced deputy chief of staff known as Read More

Celebrities

Jennifer Aniston’s Break Up Gets Happy Ending

philmaggitti 401 Views 2 min read

HOLLYWOOD – Universal Pictures has acknowledged that the ending of The Break Up, a romantic comedy starring Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn, has been rewritten. The studio decided on a do over, said Universal spokesman Ralph Gould, after test audiences had reacted badly to the original ending. In that version the characters portrayed by Ms. Aniston Read More