Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Salad dressing on the side or on the top?

MB

Marlowe Brint, artisnal jewelry designer

Reportedly outside Santa Fe, NM

On the side, obviously. A salad should retain the illusion of free will until the very last moment. Once dressed, it has chosen a direction and can never go back.

EV

Evelyn Voss, lobster fisher person

May once have lived in Bangor, ME

I prefer it on top, but only in a thin ceremonial line, as priests once applied oils to objects they feared and respected. A salad without dressing is just yard work in a bowl.

CK

Clyde Ketter, attack dog trainer

Unverified, but emphatically from Akron, OH

Neither. The correct approach is to keep the dressing nearby in a separate vessel and let the salad absorb its presence psychologically. That is how my father did it, and his lettuce feared him.

Adverse Effects

The following lines may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval ...

There is a moment, just before sleep,
when the mind loosens its tie
and admits what it spent all day denying.

Read It All

There is a moment, just before sleep,
when the mind loosens its tie
and admits what it spent all day denying.

You remember the thing you said—
not the words,
but the angle of them,
how they leaned slightly wrong
and stayed there.

A life is not ruined in grand gestures.
It goes soft at the edges first.
Corners round off. Standards blur.
You start calling things “fine”
that would have once kept you awake.

Which is the problem.

Because now you do sleep.

Beautifully. Efficiently.
Like someone who has made a series of
very small, very reasonable surrenders
and arranged them into a pillow.

Paul McCartney’s Top 10 Signs Your Wife’s a One-Legged Prostitute

20 years philmaggitti

an image

LONDON – Paul McCartney told the News of the World that he realizes now he should have seen the signs that Heather Mills, his estranged wife, had been a call girl before she married him.

Mr. McCartney, 63, said he was caught with his pants up by revelations that when Heather was in her twenties, she had sex for hire with arms dealer Adnan Khashoggi, who paid her more than $11,000 for her services. Heather also charged a Saudi prince $9,000 to join him and another woman in a three-way.

“The signs were there all the time,” said Mr. McCartney. “I was just too much in love to read them.”

Among the many indications that Heather, 38, had been a play-for-pay girl, Mr. McCartney listed the following as the top ten.

an image

10. Edible prosthetic leg came from Victoria’s Secret.

9. Private phone number engraved on lavatory walls of VIP lounges in airports.

8. England’s World Cup team carried her off the field in effigy after a recent victory.

7. Retired prosthetic leg was signed by Duran Duran and Simply Red.

6. Woman in a popular series of hardcore sex manuals looks exactly like her.

5. She asked him to sign a prenup.

4. Knows the names of all the positions in the Kama Sutra.

3. All her prosthetic legs are double jointed.

2. The prime minister’s cabinet still sends her a Christmas card.

1. Bought a luxury villa with her frequent flier miles.

The preceding is satire. Straight up, Skippy. No warranties are expressed or implied. For life advice, try a professional. For investment tips, try a dart board. For salvation, the gentleman in the robe has been handling that portfolio for 2,000 years.

The Pug Bus Instant Newsletter

The Pug Bus Instant Newsletter requires no email address, no mother's maiden name, no first pet's nickname, and no DNA sample. You simply mash the link below and read. The internet worked this way once, before someone realized your attention was worth more to them than it was to you.

Deliver It

⚡ The FDA has approved the first prescription-strength silence, available in 30-day supplies for patients whose doctors have determined they are talking too much. Side effects include clarity, improved listening, and a brief period of being liked.

⚡ A bipartisan congressional caucus has formed to study the feasibility of doing nothing faster. Early results suggest the group is ahead of schedule.

⚡ Netflix has announced a new content category called Shows You Will Start But Not Finish, to be featured prominently alongside Things You Have Already Seen Twice and Movies You Forgot You Watched. Subscribers describe the experience as having a lot of options.