HOLLYWOOD – Tom Cruise has charged Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt with exploiting their newborn daughter, Shiloh Nouvel, “to wage a multimillion-dollar publicity campaign to bolster their careers.” Mr. Cruise made these charges in an op-ed piece entitled “What Price Publicity?” in today’s New York Times.
“Brangelina’s constant, manic travel and their grandstanding for ‘goodwill causes’ put a strain on their finances,” wrote Mr. Cruise. “By auctioning the rights to the first pictures of their child and donating that money to charity, they come off looking pretty sweet, but think about it. Did that $4.1 million or $9.5 million or whatever come out of their pockets? What’s more, by donating other people’s money to charity, Brad and Angie buy themselves a cool tax deduction and a priceless amount of good will. That’s what I call leverage.”
Mr. Cruise acknowledged that he had been criticized for using his affair with Katie Holmes to promote War of the Worlds last year—and of timing the birth of their daughter, Suri, to coincide with the release of Mission Impossible: 3 this year—but he was careful to point out that the actions of Ms. Jolie and Mr. Pitt were “truly reprehensible” because neither of them has a movie to hawk at this time.
“It’s obvious to me,” wrote Mr. Cruise, “that Brangelina would not have made the cover of People were it not for their child. They don’t have a movie to sell, so they peddle photos of their baby instead. You don’t see Kate and me splashing pictures of Suri all over the web, pimping her out to the highest bidder. It’s not the Scientology way, and I don’t have to remind you that I do have a product in the theaters right now.”
In addition to criticizing the Jolie-Pitts’ motives, Mr. Cruise implied that they do not behave like a couple in love.
“Where are the displays of affection?” he wrote. “Where are the romantic ice skating trips to Rockefeller Center? The soul kissing at baseball games? Those people spend more time holding her children than they do holding each other. Kind of makes you wonder how they had a chance to conceive a child—and how exactly that child was conceived.”
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.