philmaggitti – Page 33 – postcards from the pug bus

Jude Law Miffed at Being Offered Smaller Parts

philmaggitti 446 Views 2 min read

LONDON – Sex rat Jude Law is upset because studios have been offering him smaller and smaller parts ever since he was photographed in the nude by a paparazzo last summer at his mother’s villa in France. A photo of Law changing into swim trunks on what must have been an unseasonably cold August day Read More

Politics

Alito Supreme Court Nomination Assailed by Democrats

philmaggitti 452 Views 3 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy led the chorus of Democratic voices howling in opposition to President Bush’s nomination of Judge Samuel A. Alito Jr. to the Supreme Court. Speaking to reporters in his office yesterday afternoon, Kennedy said, “This guy (Alito) is such a political Neanderthal he drags his knuckles on the ground Read More

Sporting Life

Kobe Bryant Bobblehead Doll Accused of Rape

philmaggitti 424 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – West Chester police announced yesterday that they were seeking the newly minted Kobe Bryant bobblehead doll for questioning in connection with the alleged rape of a Los Angeles Lakers cheerleader doll that occurred in the drafting room of the Apollo Bobblehead Doll Company. “It’s too early to say whether the Kobe Read More

Music

Starbucks to Give Away Rolling Stones Album

philmaggitti 474 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – The Rolling Stones will release a compilation of “rare” tracks next month in partnership with the Starbucks Corporation and the group’s Virgin Records label. The album, entitled “Tall, Grande, Venti: Reheated Cups 1971-2003,” will debut on November 22 in Starbucks coffee shops, traditional music stores, and a temporary tongue-shaped kiosk in Read More

Music

Rolling Stones to Write Soundtrack for Rocky VI

philmaggitti 466 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Sylvester Stallone announced yesterday that the Rolling Stones have agreed to write the soundtrack for Rocky VI, whose working title is Rocky Balboa: The Beating Goes On. Sipping a Metamucil-carrot juice cocktail at a local health food store, Stallone, 60, told Postcards from the Pug Bus that he was looking forward to working with Read More

Celebrities

Tom Cruise Waging War Against Satire

philmaggitti 453 Views 5 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Not satisfied to convert the world to Scientology one actress at a time—or “to take down the abomination that is psychiatry”—Tom Cruise has launched a war of the words against satire. Unfortunately for Chip Hilton, one of the most highly respected albeit psychologically fragile satirists writing today, Mr. Cruise elected to Read More

News

New Orleans Prostitutes Displaced by Katrina Find New Homes

philmaggitti 440 Views 3 min read

TIMONIUM, Md. – One of the most inspiring stories to emerge from the national flood of sympathy for the victims of Hurricane Katrina is the manner in which New Orleans’ prostitutes have been welcomed with open arms in cities across the United States. Like most of Katrina’s victims, New Orleans’ working girls lost not only Read More

Politics

President Bush Vows to Rebuild New Orleans in Iraq

philmaggitti 478 Views 2 min read

THE FRENCH QUARTER – Speaking from the courtyard of a sports bar in New Orleans’ historic French Quarter, President George W. Bush declared that rebuilding the hurricane ravaged city was “job one” for the American people. “This is where the fight against Nature’s terrorism begins anew,” said Bush. “If we don’t want to face the Read More

Celebrities

Heather Mills McCartney Hopping Mad at Jennifer Lopez

philmaggitti 443 Views 3 min read

NEW YORK – Heather Mills McCartney, estranged wife of former Beatle and corporate tool Paul McCartney, was hopping mad following a violent confrontation with Jennifer Lopez’ security personnel at Lopez’ New York office Tuesday. The incident, which left Mills McCartney busier than a one-legged animal rights activist in a butt-kicking contest, began when Mills McCartney, Read More

Music

Paul McCartney Releases Fidelity Investment CD

philmaggitti 427 Views 3 min read

NEW YORK – Apparently persuaded that money can buy him love, former Beatle Paul McCartney has released “Penny Stocks,” an album he recorded at London’s historic Abbey Road Studio for the newly created Fidelity Investments label. Earlier this year McCartney, 63, signed a lucrative ten-figure contract with Fidelity that will guarantee him financial security for Read More

Culture

Rolling Stone to Publish Thompson Suicide Note

philmaggitti 430 Views 3 min read

NEW YORK – Rolling Stone magazine has finally acknowledged what Postcards from the Pug Bus told its readers nearly seven months ago: the music-and-fashion magazine, in conjunction with St. Martin’s Press, will publish the rambling, often profane, 352-page suicide note left behind by Hunter S. Thompson after he had blown his brains on February 20. According to Rolling Read More

Music

Fats Domino Is Alive, Who Knew?

philmaggitti 449 Views 3 min read

BATON ROUGE – Rock ‘n’ roll singer Fats Domino, long believed to have been dead, has turned up alive in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. According to news reports, Domino, 77, who is sometimes remembered for his 1950s hits “Ain’t That a Shame” and “Blueberry Hill,” was rescued by boat Monday night from his apartment in New Read More

News

Pug Bus Editor Stands by Bogus Tom Cruise Quotes

philmaggitti 449 Views 4 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Phil Maggitti, editor in briefs of the internationally acclaimed satire site, Postcards from the Pug Bus, says he stands by the quotes he made up about Tom Cruise, “no matter what Tom Cruise says.” Those “pretend quotes” in which Cruise claimed to have been Shakespeare in a previous life have “spread Read More

News

John Roberts’ Advice on Briefs v. Boxers Quotas

philmaggitti 434 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON – Supreme Court nominee John G. Roberts Jr. advised Attorney General William French Smith in 1982 that “it is a comfortable fit, philosophically” to seek legislation barring the use of quotas to remedy inequities in the use of briefs or boxers in the military. According to newly disclosed archival documents, Roberts sent a memo Read More

Celebrities

Michael Jackson Candy Bar Fails to Attract

philmaggitti 491 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – Michael Jackson’s birthday celebration in Dubai was dampened by the anouncement that Godiva Chocolatier is close to halting distribution of Candy, Little Boy?, the commemorative candy bar introduced when Jackson’s trial began earlier this year. The white chocolate confection boasts a creamy nougat center encased in a hard shell wreathed by strands Read More