Flash – Page 2

road sign with f roads all pointing in different directions

"All roads lead to Rome, except the one that leads to Naples."

Of Churches and Cookies

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When his self became a fear he couldn’t outrun, he woke his wife, and they drove through the night to comfort him. In those dark hours, they passed closed churches and open cookie shops. Normally he would have said something clever about that fact, but now it only frightened him.

woman choking while taking a drink of water

"Just before projectile vomiting."

Flash

Snot Funny

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His great joy had always been causing people to choke by saying something funny just as they were taking a sip of beverage. His wife guarded against this amusement, but one night he “got” her, and, indeed, she choked. Several days later, at her funeral, her brother waited, then.

"It's spelled 'yin', not 'ying,' you damn fool."

Flash

Case Notes #97

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“Yin is passive, introverted—frequently weak. Yang is outgoing and opinionated. She’s happy to stay at home with a book and her cat. He likes to party. Yin keeps their jaijitu (mighty circle) so cold that Yang, who is a real beach lover, constantly wears thick, heavy robes indoors. “Prognostication poor.”

woman at a computer that has a dog's image on the screen

"I think the 'pause' button is misspelled."

Flash Uncategorized

You Could Be Talking to a Dog in a Chatroom If . . .

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Screen name Commander or Princess. Wants to meet in PetSmart. Measures height to shoulders. Asks how old you are in dog years. Thinks computer’s “pause” button is misspelled. Asks if you’re fixed. Avoids exchanging photos. Re-roofed summer house for $100. Can’t understand fuss about quintuplets. Too interested in e-mailman’s schedule.

"Spirituality if as goofy as religion."

Flash

“I’m Not Religious, but I Am Spiritual”

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If ever you hear someone make this claim, change the subject fast; otherwise you’ll be sorry to learn that “spiritual” folks believe in some batshit notions–crystals, astrology, sweat lodges, yoga, Ouija boards, Tarot cards, the I Ching–that make the notion of Jesus walking on water seem downright plausible. Amen.

Flash

Birthday Boy

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The only birthday cards that Edward received were from three creditors and his parole officer. “Why let other people’s preoccupations with their lives spoil the party?” he thought. He sent himself an anonymous e-mail, agreed to meet the sender for dinner, and wasn’t shy about sex on the first date.

"The shadows know."

Flash

The Shadows Know

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Billy hated mimes. He loved poking fun at (shadowing) them until one day a vindictive mime replaced Billy’s shadow with a copy of his. After several embarrassing daylight incidents and a near arrest on obscenity charges, Billy began going out only at night. Soon he stopped going out at all.

silhouette of a woman pointing a gun at someone

"Drop dead, mother-fucker."

Flash

Dead on Arrival

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Jeffrey, trying not to make a sound, stumbled into the sofa in the darkened living room. Suddenly a small dog started barking insanely. “Wait,” he thought, “we don’t have a dog.” Then a light and a woman facing him with a gun. “Wait,” he thought, “That is not my wife.”

"You did what?"

Flash

AI Invades the Confessional

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“Bless me father for I have sinned.” “And who hasn’t?” “It’s been four months since my last confession.” “Did you break a leg?” “Uh, no father …” “Is this going to take long?” “Well …” “Look, whatever you’ve done, I’ve heard it all. Your sins are forgiven. Now get lost.”

various kinds of meats, fruit, and vegetables arranged on a lazy susan

"Bless us, Oh Lord, and these they gifts."

Flash

Texas Limits Prisoners’ Last Meals to 1,200 Calories

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“It’s never too late to begin healthy eating,” explained prison dietician Dieter Volk. “A prisoner’s last meal should not constitute cruel and unusual punishment.” Henceforth, all last meals will be portion controlled, light, and synergistically balanced. “No one should eat a heavy meal before going to sleep,” added Mr. Volk.

"Chicken Pot Pie."

Flash

Dawn

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The rooster began crowing to beat hell at 5:00 a.m. It was the first sound that Tom heard. Half asleep he thought, “If you wake my old man again, you stupid chicken.” The “stupid chicken” crowed a second time, louder. The third sound Tom heard came from his father’s shotgun.