Daily Irregular Horoscopes – July 26, 2025
(Forecasting your future like a near sighted raccoon with a deck of tarot cards and a Red Bull addiction.)
♈ Aries (Mar 21–Apr 19) Today you will attempt to solve your problems by wrestling with a toaster. Be sure it’s not in use. Avoid conversations with anyone wearing corduroy and sweating profusely. They’re nervous about secretly collecting your emotional data.
♉ Taurus (Apr 20–May 20) You will feel an urge to hoard limes, break dance in the dentist’s office, and mispronounce “charcuterie” at dinner parties. A cryptic message arrives via fortune cookie: “The goose remembers.” Act accordingly.
♊ Gemini (May 21–Jun 20) Two conflicting desires will go to war in your brain: one to start a podcast about haunted urinals, the other to move to Luxembourg and raise bees. Choose both. Burn the script of logic.
♋ Cancer (Jun 21–Jul 22) You will join a pyramid scheme involving vintage fax machines. The stars say don’t panic, just fax your worries to Neptune. They’re used to it.
♌ Leo (Jul 23–Aug 22) Someone will challenge your authority in the deli line. Show dominance by ordering a sandwich tower and reciting Macbeth. Wear sunglasses and mittens indoors for dramatic effect.
♍ Virgo (Aug 23–Sep 22) Your obsession with symmetry leads to a minor spiritual awakening in a Waffle House bathroom. Today’s number is π, and your lucky color is slightly anxious taupe.
♎ Libra (Sep 23–Oct 22) Romantic prospects improve if you stop quoting Nietzsche during foreplay. Also, your aura is leaking glitter. Plug it with kale or obscure trivia.
♏ Scorpio (Oct 23–Nov 21) You will text something deeply personal to your boss instead of your ex. This is fate’s way of promoting you to Emotional Project Manager. Accept it. Own it. Cry in style.
♐ Sagittarius (Nov 22–Dec 21) Your spirit animal is a distracted police dog, whom you will mistake for a sign from the universe. It’s not. But the doughnut it drops might be.
♑ Capricorn (Dec 22–Jan 19) You will wake up convinced you invented jazz. Ride that wave. Demand royalties from the moon. Someone named Carl is plotting against you with a spreadsheet.
♒ Aquarius (Jan 20–Feb 18) Everything you touch today turns slightly weirder. Lean in. Your toothbrush may whisper investment advice—listen only if it recommends alpacas.
♓ Pisces (Feb 19–Mar 20) A paperclip will save your life. And then demand a reward. Later, you will try to date a hologram. It will ghost you. The stars say to eat more soup and trust fewer inflatable pool animals.
Check back tomorrow for more celestial nonsense. Or don’t. The stars will still be watching.
