Crampazine is now offered in chewable gummies. Results may vary. May cause involuntary yodeling, nostalgia for fax machines, spontaneous karaoke, mild time travel, existential vertigo, sock envy, or hallucinations of your ex as a centaur. Avoid use during lunar eclipses. Consult a psychic before use. Not responsible for emotional contouring.
Schrödinger’s cat has filed a massive lawsuit, alive and dead, claiming emotional distress from years of quantum gaslighting. “I just wanted a nap, not a paradox,” he said tiredly. Lawyers protested, “You can’t sue if you both exist and don’t.” The judge ruled simultaneously in favor and against. Chaos ensued.
Marvin shuffled to the porch, coffee in hand, to greet the sun like an old war buddy. “Still fighting the dark, eh?” he’d mutter. One dawn the chair rocked empty, but the sunrise, bold, seemed brighter, as if saluting him back. Light poured down–and the day stood in silence, remembering.
The box I checked while ordering pizza online was for extra pepperoni, supposedly. Now I’m getting daily updates on cryptocurrency, cat yoga, artisanal soap, Bolivian tree frogs, mindfulness for toddlers, and gluten-free taxidermy. My inbox is a landfill of lifestyles I never chose, curated by algorithms with a god complex.