Brad Pitt Furious over Oscar Snub for Babel

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WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Brad Pitt, whose gritty performance carried the tiresome, over long Babel to seven Oscar nominations, including best direction by a Mexican who once worked as a disk jockey, is furious.

Mr. Pitt is the one bright spot in Alejandro Jose Gonzalez Jiminez Inarritu’s bombastic “message” flick, yet nearly everyone associated with that self-absorbed mess except Mr. Pitt was nominated for something.

Eager to learn Mr. Pitt’s reaction to this shabby treatment by the academy, Postcards from the Pug Bus tracked him down by cell phone at a Bed Bath & Beyond in New Orleans, where he and Angelina Jolie will soon be living.

Postcards from the Pug Bus: Could you talk to us about your feelings when you learned that you had been passed over for best actor?

Brad Pitt: I was bummed, cher, really bummed. Excuse me a second, will you? Maddox, that’s a toilet scrubber, not a sword, put it down. OK. Where were we?

PPB: You were describing your reactions when you heard about the best actor nominations.

BP: Oh yeah. I couldn’t believe it. I mean, whoever heard of Ryan Gosling? He’s like Canadian, right? The love child of the Toronto Maple Leafs and Maggie Trudeau? And Peter O’Toole? Gimme a break. He should have been nominated for best performance by a corpse on Viagra. And Leo? The less said about him and his bogus accent, the better. I understand he said he had considered quitting acting after Titanic. Hell, it looks to me like he did.

PPB: What about the two brothers who were nominated?

BP: Don’t get me wrong. I support affirmative action, and one of my favorite adopted children is black. In fact I think she just made an Oscar in her diaper. Excuse me a second. Angie! Will you take Sahara? I’m trying to talk on the phone here.

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PPB: So you don’t think Forest Whitaker and Will Smith are deserving?

BP: Duh? Forest has the emotional range of someone who’s just been goosed. Besides, that was really a supporting role. As for Mr. Pinkett Smith, also known as Tom Cruise’ favorite negro, I didn’t know they gave nominations to people just for letting their hair grow out. Maybe I should wear black face in my next role.

PPB: A lot of people say you’ll never win an Oscar because you’re too pretty. The academy prefers the Paul Haggises and Michael Moores of the world.

BP: I’ve noticed, cher. That’s why I didn’t shave or wear make up in Babel. Maybe I’d have a chance if I played a fat shit or a fag, a crip or a tard. I mean, the best actor in a film that’s nominated for best picture always gets a nomination—unless he pulls a Russell Crowe and slams somebody against a wall at the BAFTAs and calls him a [jerk].”

PPB: Will you be rooting for your co-stars Adriana Barraza and Rinko Kikuchi on Oscar night?

BP: What were they nominated for?

PPB: Best supporting actress.

BP: Oh. Which is the one that showed her [breasts]? I’d root for her. Are we done yet? Maddox just pulled down a whole rack of towels.

PPB: One more question. What sustains you at a time like this? Is it your family, your social activism, your love of architecture?

BP: No, cher. It’s my 2005 MTV Movie Award for Best Fight (Mr. &Mrs. Smith) and my 1995 Bronze Wrangler for Best Theatrical Motion Picture (Legends of the Fall). Listen, cher, I gotta run. Maddox is about to wreck this place. He needs a good ass kicking.    

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