Jennifer Aniston Settles Lawsuit with Mrs. Coffee

an image

LOS ANGELES – Former Friends star Jennifer Aniston has settled a multimillion-dollar lawsuit filed against her by Mrs. Coffee, wife of the popular coffee-making icon Mr. Coffee.

The suit, filed early last year in Los Angeles, named Ms. Aniston as “the principal contributing factor” in the Coffees’ bitter divorce. Both parties are forbidden by the terms of the settlement from discussing any of its details.

The Coffees were married in 1973, the year Mr. Coffee skyrocketed to fame in the United States. Their marriage survived other disturbances, most notably Mr. Coffee’s dalliance with Mrs. Tea in the 1980s, but according to a close friend of the couple, “The real trouble started brewing when he met Jennifer Aniston.”

Mr. Coffee met Ms. Aniston in a Williams-Sonoma store in Palo Alto. She allegedly turned to him for a lift as she struggled with depression after she had been tossed aside by her husband, Brad Pitt, for Angelina Jolie.

an image

“Jen did spend a lot of time with Mr. Coffee,” said Ms. Aniston’s best friend, Courteney Cox Arquette, “but their relationship was strictly platonic. I don’t think it constituted grounds for a lawsuit.”

“That sounds like an instant defense,” said Mrs. Coffee’s attorney, Jose Arabica. “Ms. Aniston’s own statements last summer indicate that she was more than ‘just friends’ with Mr. Coffee.”

Ms. Aniston did, in fact, tell Vanity Fair that when she needed companionship, she liked nothing better than to “get next to Mr. Coffee and push his buttons. He never lets me down.”

In other news, THEM Weekly reports that David Beckham is taking testosterone treatments to lower his voice in order to increase his chances of being taken seriously as an actor.    

© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.