Tuesday, February 20, 2024

Anna Nicole Smith Rejected at Heavenly Gate

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NORTH POLE – An emergency Council of Supreme Beings session determined yesterday that the soul of recently departed celebrity Anna Nicole Smith had failed to qualify for an eternal reward. According to a source present at the meeting, the soul of Ms. Smith, who died last week of a lethal combination of drugs, alcohol, and stupidity, “will have to seek lesser accommodations.”

The major impediment to Ms. Smith’s qualifying for an eternal reward were her low spirituality aptitude test (SAT) scores.

“Even though the SATs had been re-normed several years ago to allow certain target groups to meet their set asides, Ms. Smith still failed convincingly,” said the heavenly source. “Her combined score, which we are not permitted to reveal, was scarcely higher than if she had merely signed her name on the test sheet and then gone out and gotten inebriated.”

Although there is some debate about whether the SAT measures innate spirituality or learned spiritual behavior, all observers agree that a person should at least have religious beliefs and demonstrate them through prudent, reasonable conduct. Ms. Smith, who was not known to attend any church, even on holidays—or to behave prudently—failed in this regard.

 God, who was on His way to a family function with his son and the Holy Spirit, spoke briefly outside the gilded Council of Supreme Beings meeting hall.

“That woman was certainly not a member of any Christian religion,” He said. “St Peter told me that rarely has the soul of anyone shown up at the Pearly Gates in worse condition. She was slurring her words, could barely stand up, had on way too much makeup for daytime, and smelled as if she had been having sex in a brewery—or had gotten drunk and passed out in a fish market.”

According to one of Allah’s chief mullahs, after Ms. Smith had been rejected at the gates of heaven, she turned up at the entrance to Paradise, claiming she had been reading the Qur’an when she died.

“She smelled like someone who had been having sex in a brewery and then doused herself in perfume,” said the mullah. “She was reminded of Qur’an 2:25: ‘And for them therein are pure companions and therein they will abide.’ Although she did have impressive tits, there was nothing pure about her, and she was not the kind of companion whose body is a garden of sexual delights for the faithful who died in service to Allah.”

Yahweh declined to be interviewed, as usual, but the person sweeping a path clear for Him said, “Tying a red bra strap around your wrist does not make you a Kabbalah practitioner—no matter how well you claim to have known Madonna.”

 One theologian, who asked not to be identified, said that despite Ms. Smith’s failure to obtain an eternal reward thus far, she was not out of options.

“I expect she will turn up at the entrance to the Happy Hunting Grounds before long, telling the Great Spirit she qualifies for admission because she died in an Indian casino.”

Luk Wharm Thwat, a Buddhist who was not invited to the council meeting because Buddhists do not believe in a supreme being, suggested that reincarnation was Ms. Smith’s best hope for reaching nirvana.

“She would most likely be reborn as one of Paris Hilton’s crabs,” said Mr. Thwat, “but the journey of a thousand lifetimes has to begin somewhere.”

In other news, no public figure from Australia has made an asshole of himself so far today.    

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