Tuesday, February 20, 2024

Harvard to Name First Gay Female Impersonator President

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CAMBRIDGE, Mass. – Harvard is expected to name its first gay female impersonator president today in an historic outreach that MoveOn.org has called “a three bagger for diversity.” Harvard, the nation’s oldest university, has never had a female, much less a gay female impersonator, president in its 371-year history.

The appointment of Drew Gilpin Faust will plug not only the female gap but also the cross-dresser and homosexual gaps in Harvard’s presidential resume.

A source close to the university admitted, however, that despite its bleeding edge appeal the appointment of Ms. Faust was an eleventh-hour decision.

“We had been keen to have an African American president,” said the source, “but with all the hoopla about the Super Bowl—first African American coach to win a Super Bowl, first African American coach to lose a Super Bowl, 4,325th African American player to compete in a Super Bowl—we didn’t think an African American president would be a sufficiently dark-horse candidate, if you’ll pardon the expression.”

The appointment of Ms. Faust, an historian who performed as Johnny Musket Loader on the gay, lesbian, transdressing Civil War re-enactment circuit, comes just two years after Lawrence H. Summers, then president of Harvard, triggered a shit storm by suggesting that a lack of intrinsic aptitude could help explain why “anyone who squats to pee, male or female” seldom reaches the top ranks of science and math in private universities.

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Understandably some Harvard professors, particularly cross-dressing gay men, greeted the news of Mr. Faust’s appointment with euphoria.

“Harvard’s waited a long time for this—since 1636 to be exact,” said Patrick Albjerk Graham, an emeritus professor of the psychosexual history of butt plugs. “The FBI chose a transdressing homosexual leader ages ago, what took Harvard so long?”

Mr. Graham recalled that when he was a postdoctoral “fellow” at Harvard in 1972, cross-dressing gays had to enter by the rear door of the faculty club and were not allowed to eat in the main dining room.

Ms. Faust did not respond to repeated messages left on her cell phone and in several chat rooms she is known to frequent. Her selection was first reported by The Harvard Lampoon website late Thursday night.

In related news, Rush Limbaugh told reporters yesterday that if presidential candidate Barack Obama were all white, nobody would be calling him good looking.

“There’s a double standard for judging looks in America,” said Mr. Limbaugh, “just like there is for judging quarterbacks.”    

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