Postcards from The Pug Bus

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Celebrity Shockers

Ryan O’Neal Attacks Son over Mac Ads

19 years Biff Scuzzy
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MALIBU – Ryan O’Neal allegedly threatened his son, Griffin, 42, following a dispute concerning the ads for Mac computers that portray PC users as hopeless dorks. The elder O’Neal, 65, was subsequently arrested on suspicion of assault and a firearm offense after a long-running family argument over the merits of the Mac versus the PC had erupted into violence at his Malibu beachfront house.

THEM Weekly spoke with Ryan O’Neal after he had been released on $50,000 bond Sunday.

“I’ve had it up to my eyeballs with those goddamn Mac people and their superiority complex,” said Mr.O’Neal. “When I arrived home about 12:30 this morning after celebrating Farrah Fawcett’s sixtieth birthday and the news that she was cancer free, there was Griffin using my new laptop with Windows Vista on it.

“He looked up and said something smug like, ‘This system really blows, old man. It doesn’t do anything a Mac couldn’t do five years ago.’

“I had heard all that bullmerde before,” Mr. O’Neal continued. “How Windows XP stands for extra problems. Crap like that. So I told him to give it a rest.

“Then he said Farrah had probably gotten cancer from using a PC. That was the last straw. I told him to get the hell out and to shove his Mac up his rear. He grabbed a fireplace poker and began swinging it. I got a little nervous at that point and went upstairs to get my gun.

“He started coming up the stairs with the poker in his hand, so I fired my gun into the banister and scared his MAC-pimping self into the middle of next week. I shoulda followed him home and blown a hole in his precious Apple.”

In related news, Bill Gates said he “understands” where Ryan O’Neal is coming from.

“Word up, Holmes,” said Mr. Gates. “I wanted to bust a cap in my 62-inch plasma television myself the first time I saw one of those ads. I don’t understand why [Apple] is acting like it’s superior. They must be trippin’ or something. Doesn’t honesty matter in advertising? Or if you dress up all in black and act like you’re really cool, do you get to be a lying person whenever you feel like it?”    

The preceding is satire. Straight up, Skippy. No warranties are expressed or implied. For life advice, try a professional. For investment tips, try a dart board. For salvation, the gentleman in the robe has been handling that portfolio for 2,000 years.