Tuesday, February 20, 2024

Jessica Simpson Split with Nick Lachey Fueled by Klaus Harmony

an image

NEW YORK – Jessica Simpson told Elle magazine that the music of German composer Klaus Harmony was “the tripping point” in her relationship with her ex-husband Nick Lachey. In an interview that appears in the March issue of Elle, Ms. Simpson said that discovering Mr. Harmony’s music “opened me up to the possibilities of life and allowed me to breathe. Suddenly I had the courage to admit to myself that marriage was a scam.”

Ms. Simpson came to that conclusion after watching Die Sins des Apostles, a depiction of Christ’s disciples pursuing knowledge of god through sexual union.

“I had always considered myself a religious person,” said Ms. Simpson, “but my faith had me trapped in a monoral relationship. After I seen Matthew, Philip, and Bartholomew getting funky to that totally hot sound tract, I realized it was OK to be a Christian and to get your freak on.”

Ms. Simpson admitted there was a bum note or two in her newfound sexual freakdom. An unfortunate one-off with Jackass star Bam Margera still haunts her today.

 “Alls he wanted to do was shoot bottle rockets out my butt while he touched himself,” she laughed. “I had to re-do the ceiling in the rec room after that night.”

Klaus Harmony, commonly known as “the Mozart of Porn,” was a pop star and celebrated composer of scores for erotic films. Although he died mysteriously in London at the age of forty-three more than two decades ago, he has been reborn as a cult figure whose current popularity rivals that of Nick Drake, who has been dead even longer.

Britney Spears’ comeback single is rumored to be a trance-mix version of Mr. Harmony’s “Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me,” and Prince sampled both “Ejaculaktor” and “Rear View Lover” during his halftime show at this year’s Super Bowl.

© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.

Verified by MonsterInsights