Tuesday, February 20, 2024

Anna Nicole Smith Dies, O.J. Simpson Plans Book

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HOLLYWOOD, Fla. – Anna Nicole Smith was found “unresponsive” by her private nurse in a Florida hotel room on Thursday. The thirty-nine-year-old celebrity was taken to a hospital where she later died. O.J. Simpson does not believe she died of natural or pharmaceutical causes.

Mr. Simpson, one of this country’s leading amateur criminologists, told THEM Weekly that he is “about halfway through” a book entitled If I Did It, Volume II, the second in a planned series of “literary confessions” in which Mr. Simpson explains how he would have murdered a tall blonde white woman.

“It’s obvious to me that Nicole, I mean Anna Nicole, was murdered,” said Mr. Simpson, who declined to identify her killer. Mr. Simpson did say, however, that “when a hot-looking blonde is found dead, you’ve got to take a long, hard look at her husband or boyfriend.”

When Mr. Simpson was asked if his theory suggested that Anna Nicole Smith had been killed by her companion, Howard Stern, he replied, “You’ll have to read the book to find out. All I’m saying is, “here’s how I would have killed her and her son if I were a sleazy-looking lawyer who stood to gain financially from their deaths.”

Mr. Simpson believes that Mr. Stern needed to get Ms. Smith and both her children out of the way before he could inherit her estate, which includes a $438 million claim against the estate of J. Howard Marshall II, a Texas oil billionaire whom Ms. Smith married in 1994 when he was 89 and she was 26. Fourteen months later Mr. Marshall died, as happy as a ninety-year-old is capable of being happy.

Mr. Stern, a lawyer specializing in personal injury cases, once outran an ambulance in a forty-yard dash to raise money for charity. Las Vegas oddsmakers list him at 4-1 as the potential father of the late Ms. Smith’s five-month-old daughter, Dannielynn Hope Smith.

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Larry Birkhead, an unemployed “portrait photographer” and one of Ms. Smith’s former lovers, is the 9-5 favorite. Other contenders are Daniel Wayne Smith, Ms. Smith’s late son (3-1); musicians Tommy Lee (8-1) and Kid Rock (10-1); ex-president Bill Clinton (6-1); and the cast of Jackass: Number 2 (10-1).

Mr. Stern reacted angrily when he was told about Mr. Simpson’s comments, claiming it was “merely a coincidence” that he was the last person to have seen Anna Nicole Smith and her son, Daniel, alive.

“Why would I want to kill her?” asked Mr. Stern. “I saved her life when she got drunk and jumped into the ocean wearing a ten-pound dress the day we were married on the boat by an astrologer.”

In related news, an editor at National Lampoon, publisher of If I Did It, Volume II, said the book, which is expected to go directly to magazine format, will be on newsstands everywhere by the end of the month.    

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