Tuesday, February 20, 2024

Will Katie Holmes See Her Thetan on Groundhog Day?

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BEVERLY HILLS – Tomorrow morning at six o’clock Katie Holmes will emerge from her bunker in Tom Cruise’ mansion in Beverly Hills. Wearing only a full-length body stocking and unaccompanied for the moment by Posh Spice Beckham, she will stand facing east, arms held loosely at her sides, and hold her breath for ten seconds. She will be observed carefully by Mr. Cruise and several other elders in the Church of Scientology.

This curious ritual should not be mistaken for Scientology’s version of Weight Watchers’ monthly coffee klatch and weigh-in. It is, instead, the first in a series of attempts by Mr. Cruise’ to make Scientology less cultlike and more accessible to “the masses” by co-opting popular rituals.

Mr. Cruise, together with the Venti High Priest Namudamus and the other assembled elders will be watching to observe whether Ms. Holmes sees her Thetan. If she does, that means she will be transported by the Mothership to the planet Venus after this lifetime. There she will dwell contentedly forever in the sight of cult founder L. Ron Hubbard. If she doesn’t see her Thetan, she will have to return to earth for as many as six more lifetimes before she is considered fully realized and worthy of joining other fully realized Scientologists on Venus.

“Dig it,” said Mr. Cruise in an exclusive interview with THEM Weekly. “People have to realize that Scientology isn’t some weird ‘cult’ just because we hook new converts up to jumper cables. By explaining our religion in terms quaint rituals that humanoids already understand, we mean to accelerate the achievement of world religious domination before the Muslims blow us all to bits.”

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A Thetan, Mr. Cruise explained, is Scientology’s term for soul, “that which is aware of being aware of being aware.” The term was introduced by Scientology Founder and Supreme Being L. Ron Hubbard, who adopted the Greek letter theta (T) to represent “the source of life and life itself.”

According to some critics of Scientology, Mr. Hubbard mistakenly thought theta was spelled thetan. When Mr. Cruise was asked by THEM Weekly if this was true, he stood up abruptly and declared, “This interview is over.”

Unfortunately, THEM Weekly was unable to ask Mr. Cruise which popular ritual would be the next to be given a Scientology spin. Will it be Valentine’s day, St. Patrick’s day, the New Ulm’s Heritagefest in Minnesota? We humanoids will simply have to wait and see.

In related news, Scientologist Kirstie Alley is telling friends that she is confident she will see only one shadow this Groundhog’s day, a sign that she will enjoy six more weeks of only relative obesity.    

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