Tuesday, February 20, 2024

Dixie Chicks Sweep Grammies, Ban Country Music Stations

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LOS ANGELES – After sweeping the top three categories at the 49th annual Grammy Awards last night, the Dixie Chicks announced they would “sue the ass off” any country music radio station that reversed a ban on the Chicks’ music and started playing their songs again.

“Those bastards had their chance,” said Chicks’ lead singer, Natalie Maines. “Last year, when our Grammy-winning album, Taking the Long Way, was released, we sent them copies of the first single off that album, “Not Ready to Make Nice,” the Grammy-winning record and song of the year; but those dickwads refused to play it, so screw them. They’re not going to use our music now to make money for their goddamn chicken-fried steak and revival hemorrhoid cream advertisers.”

According to the Chicks’ violin player, Martie Maguire, the band has compiled an exhaustive database of every country music station that stopped playing their music after Ms. Maines had told a London audience at the start of the Iraq boondoggle, “Just so you know, we’re ashamed that the president of the United States is from Texas.”

“We know who they are, and we’re putting them on notice,” added guitarist Emily Robison. “Let them continue playing fools like Toby Keith for their Wal-Mart-shopping, daughter-abusing, first-cousin-marrying audience. We’ve moved on to a brighter crowd.”

The Dixie Chicks actually won five Grammys last night, adding best country album and best country performance by a duo or group that had criticized the president in public to their haul. Their sweep of the top three Grammy categories—album, record, and song of the year—hadn’t been accomplished since 1993 when Eric Clapton’s unbearable “Tears in Heaven” was creating tears on earth for people allergic to cheap sentiment.

In related news, despite the much anticipated Police reunion, a Gallop poll taken immediately after the show revealed that most people still could not correctly identify Stewart Copeland and Andy Summers, the non-Sting members of the band.    

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