Nicole Richie Celebrity Death Watch

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LOS ANGELES – The pending obituary of actress and author Nicole Richie was updated this week after The Simple Life costar had checked into a treatment facility that specializes in helping celebrities to gain weight. This routine obituary maintenance occurs whenever a celebrity gets married, divorced, engaged, unengaged, caught cheating, outed, arrested for drunken driving, hospitalized, punched in a club, sued, or admitted to rehab.

Ms. Richie’s pending obituary now reflects the fact that the eighty-two-pound star suffers from a weight disorder, not an eating disorder as many sources have claimed previously. If Ms. Richie were to die from that weight disorder, god forbid, a literate, thoroughly researched obituary—see example below—would appear in newspapers and on the web as soon as Ms. Richie had been toe tagged and sent to the morgue.

(AP) Nicole Richie, 25, actress and author of The Truth about Diamonds

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Author and television star Nicole Richie died three minutes ago of complications arising from a weight disorder that had affected her health and appearance for the last two years. Ms. Richie, 25, was surrounded by friends and loved ones at the end.

“I hope the people who called Nicole an anorexic are happy now,” sobbed Ms. Richie’s long-time friend Paris Hilton, with whom Ms. Richie had been reconciled recently after a bitter, nearly two-year feud. “There’s lots of reasons besides anorexia that cause people to look like skeletons.”

Nicole Camille Escovedo Commodore Richie was born in Berkeley, California. Her biological father is rumored to be Afro-Latino musician Pete Escovedo, brother of pop percussionist Sheila E. and son of famed Latino percussionist Pete Escovedo. Ms. Richie, however, did not credit this rumor. She told Tatler magazine in an April 2006 interview that her biological father was “this really hot white drummer who worked with Lionel (Richie).”

Ms. Richie’s biological mother allegedly was a “backstage assistant” to Lionel Richie. Her godfather, by all accounts, was Michael Jackson.

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When Ms. Richie was three, Lionel Richie and his wife Brenda Harvey-Richie informally adopted her and raised her as their daughter. Six years later they made the arrangement formal. The following year they separated, and Ms. Richie blamed them for many of her troubles, which included marijuana, cocaine, and heroin abuse, three arrests, five car accidents, and a fatal weight disorder.

“Their way of making me happy was to say yes to everything I wanted, including Ex-Lax smoothies,” Ms. Richie told Vanity Fair last year, “but I don’t think a little girl should have that much freedom.”

After starring in three seasons of The Simple Life, Ms. Richie began to hunger for a “more fulfilling creative experience.” Shortly thereafter she wrote her first book, The Truth about Diamonds. Two months later she read her first book, Eat and Lose Weight.

The Truth about Diamonds is a roman a clef about a popular Hollywood socialite named Chloe Parker, who is the adopted daughter of a glamorous woman and her washed-up-music-star husband, whose career died of embarrassment after his wife found him with another woman and kicked his sorry ass seven ways to Sunday.

Chloe Parker does copious quantities of drugs, runs with a posse of wealthy brats, parties hardy at all the hottest nightclubs, goes into rehab, and loses an alarming amount of weight from a mysterious weight disorder. She also stars in a reality series with a vapid friend, who quickly turns into an enemy and starts pestering her with crank phone calls.

Asked if this plot was autobiographical, Ms. Richie smiled and replied, “Of course. Who else’s autobiography was I going to write?”

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Earlier this year Ms. Richie became involved in a movement to stop the passage of legislation that would delete warnings about chemicals and food additives from food labels. Supporters of the legislation argued that people who go to the supermarket want to enjoy a quality shopping experience. They want to listen to quiet music, enjoy a cappuccino, and get a massage, perhaps. They don’t want a lesson in chemistry.

Ms. Richie believed, “It is important that people be aware of all the ingredients in their food. Otherwise the hidden calories in chemicals and additives might make food more fattening that it appears.”

Services for Ms. Ritchie will be private. Persons wishing to honor her memory are encouraged to make a donation to the Nicole Richie Foundation for People with Weight Problems.    

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