LONDON – The divorce battle between Paul McCartney and Heather Mills has apparently taken a turn for the strange. According to a document filed in London’s High Court Thursday, and leaked to a London tabloid Thursday night, Mr. McCartney is seeking “joint custodial oversight” of Ms. Mills’ breasts and “a generous, unsupervised visitation schedule.”
“My client is charging alienation of affection and emotional deprivation as well,” said Mr. McCartney’s solicitor, Fiona Shackleton. One of Britain’s most feared divorce lawyers, Ms. Shackleton is a senior partner at Payne Hicks Beach, the firm that represented Prince Charles in his 1996 divorce from Princess Diana.
Anthony Julius, the attorney for Ms. Mills, scoffed at Mr. McCartney’s claim.
“This is yet another manifestation of Mr. McCartney’s delusional sense of entitlement,” said Mr. Julius, who, coincidentally, is a member of the firm Mishcon de Reya, which wrested a £17-million settlement from Prince Charles.
Mr. McCartney being much wealthier and more popular than the Royals, the stakes are higher in this case, and legal experts warn that future revelations could make Prince Charles’ I-want-to-be-your-Tampax speech seem like a normal request by comparison.
The first sticking point in what the tabloids are calling Breastgate appears to be the size of the breasts in contention. Mr. McCartney’s suit describes the breasts as “milky white, pleasingly formed, pendulous without being saggy, and roughly 38-DD in volume.”
“Sounds as if Sir Paul’s been smoking the twisted cigarettes again,” laughed Mr. Julius. “My client measures no more than 36-C.” Mr. Julius did grudgingly admit that Mr. McCartney had gotten the “milky white, pleasingly formed bits” correct.
Nonetheless, Mr. Julius was amused by Mr. McCartney’s request for unsupervised visitation privileges.
“In consideration of my client’s allegations of physical abuse, she’d have to be out of her mind to allow her breasts to spend time alone with her estranged husband.”
Friends of Mr. McCartney’s and Ms. Mills’ have, predictably, chosen sides in this matter.
“He’s being something of a hypocrite,” said Juliet Gellatley, founder of the animal rights charity Viva. “How can he accuse Heather of unreasonable behaviour after writing all those songs about her?”
The songs to which Ms. Gellatley referred can be found on Mr. McCartney’s last two albums: Driving Rain (2001) and Chaos and Creation in the Backyard (2005). The odes to Heather on these albums, particularly the execrable “Jenny Wren,” make Mr. McCartney’s lame musical tributes to his previous wife, Linda Eastman, seem like the work of Shelly by comparison.
Mr. McCartney’s close friend George Michael, who was reached by cell phone somewhere in Hampstead Heath, exhaled softly before commenting, “Maybe Paul wasn’t just out of his head when he said, ‘They’re my breasts.’
“If you ask me, though,” Mr. Michael continued, “I think he’s using her tits as bargaining chips in the custody battle over their daughter Beatrice Milly.”
In related news, Heather Mills McCartney has charged that her estranged husband’s vegetarianism is “a sham.” The one-time stripper and lap dancer maintains that Sir Paul, as he insisted she call him, “fancied eating steak and kidney pie off my bare arse when he was stoned, which generally coincided with his being awake.”
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