Wednesday, June 12, 2024

Paul McCartney Hit with New Abuse Charges from Heather Mills

an image

LONDON – Disturbing new charges of mental and emotional abuse have been leveled at Paul McCartney by his estranged second wife, Heather Mills. The charges were contained in an addendum to a thirteen-page court document filed previously by Ms. Mills, said London’s Daily Mail.

A copy of the original document was faxed to news organizations by an anonymous source Tuesday night. Details of the addendum were leaked to the Daily Mail yesterday.

In the original thirteen-page document Ms. Mills claimed that Mr. McCartney had forced her to cancel a crucial operation on her short leg because the operation would have interfered with his planned vacation in Amsterdam. Ms. Mills also charged that Mr. McCartney had refused to let her keep a bedpan by the side of the bed to save her crawling to the loo at night.

“I don’t want that stinking thing in here because it makes the bedroom smell like a f*ck*ng old woman’s home,” Mr. McCartney is alleged to have said when Ms. Mills pleaded with him to let her use the bedpan.

Ms. Mills also claimed in her original document that Mr. McCartney had forced her to crawl up the steps of a plane that were not wide enough to accommodate her wheelchair.

“When I asked him to carry me up the steps, he laughed and said, ‘I’m not hauling your fat ass up those steps; what do I look like, a goddamn Paki?'”

Ms. Mills further alleged that Mr. McCartney had forbidden her to breast-feed their daughter, Beatrice.

“They’re my breasts,” Mr. McCartney is reputed to have said. “I don’t want to gag on a mouthful of breast milk when I’m sucking titty.”

an image

As troubling as these revelations are, Ms. Mills’ new allegations play even greater havoc with Mr. McCartney’s reputation. Instead of a cuddly duffer whose chief vices are weed, wine, and writing treacly pop songs, Mr. McCartney emerges as the second coming of Scrooge—a controlling, insecure monster, envious of other musicians and given to fits of near psychotic pomposity.

According to Ms. Mills, Mr. McCartney bore an intense resentment toward his former song-writing partner John Lennon. Ms. Mills charged that Mr. McCartney flew into a rage when he found her listening to Mr. Lennon’s Working Class Hero CD.

“I don’t ever want to hear that c*unt’s music in my house again,” Mr. McCartney allegedly screamed. “He was shite, you hear? Shite. I carried him while the Beatles were together. I carried the other Beatles too.”

Mr. McCartney then subjected Ms. Mills to a “painfully loud” ten-minute imitation of Yoko Ono singing.

Ms. Mills also maintained in her new allegations that Mr.McCartney badgered her into wearing his first wife’s underwear when they made love; he once hid Ms. Mills’ prosthetic leg in the wood pile outside the guest house on their contry estate; and he insisted on using her handicapped parking sticker even when he was driving by himself.

“One day he came home drunk, laughing about taking the last handicapped parking space in a crowed car park during a rain storm,” said Ms. Mills.

The charges against Mr. McCartney have been difficult for his fans to accept. One fifty-something woman in a North London record shop said, “It’s bad enough he made his wife crawl to the toilet, but I’m shocked by his language. Such filth. Did he write “Michelle” with that mouth?”

In other news, Whitney Houston filed divorce papers in Orange County, California, Superior Court this week. Ms. Houston alleged that her husband of fourteen years, Bobby Brown, refused to let her keep a propane tank next to their bed.    

© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.