Sunday, December 10, 2023

Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Simpson to Star in Vagina Dialogues

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HOLLYWOOD – Hoping to establish themselves as mature actresses and to patch up their friendship, Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson have agreed to appear in The Vagina Dialogues. The new, two-woman play by Harvard dropout Kaavya Viswanathan is scheduled to open on Broadway next summer.

The Vagina Dialogues tells the story of two estranged friends whose vaginas decide to have a heart-to-heart talk in order to bridge the gap between their respective caregivers.

The troubles between Ms. Lohan, 20, and Ms. Simpson, 26, began three years ago after Ashlee Simpson, 22, Jessica’s look-alike sister, reportedly stole one of Ms. Lohan’s ex-boyfriends Wilmer Valderrama. The feud was exacerbated the following year when Jessica Simpson and Ms. Lohan clashed bitterly over government funding of stem cell research.

Ms. Lohan reportedly became so incensed over Ms. Simpson’s arguments against stem cell funding that Ms. Lohan refused to admit Jessica and her look-alike sister Ashlee to a party hosted by Ms. Lohan after the MTV Movie Awards in Los Angeles.

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Despite their stormy history, however, Ms. Lohan and Ms. Simpson appear ready to let bygones be bygones.

“We’re all sisters under the skin,” said Ms. Simpson in a conference call yesterday.

“Or when you turn us upside down,” quipped Ms. Lohan.

Although Ms. Lohan is not shy about stretching her vagina in new directions—witness her role in Prairie Home Vagina—Ms. Simpson was skeptical about the project at first.

“Golly,” she said. “I can’t even wiggle my ears, let alone, well, you know, make it talk.”

Neither Ms. Simpson nor Ms. Lohan was troubled by the prospect of being nude on stage for ninety minutes or by having to perform on “those days.”

Following rehearsals this fall and winter, The Vagina Dialogues will embark on a novel pre-Broadway run. Instead of opening in theaters in Philadelphia, Boston, or Branson, Missouri, as most plays do, The Vagina Dialogues will be presented at colleges that celebrate V-Day (short for Vagina Day).

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According to Jessica Simpson’s father, Joe, who manages her vagina, “V-Day has replaced Valentine’s Day on more than five hundred college campuses, including several Catholic institutions.”

In addition to a performance of The Vagina Dialogues, V-Day activities will include a Miss Vagina USA pageant and comic events such as the ping-pong-ball toss, the smoke rings competition, and a special pin-the-penis-on-
Clay-Aiken contest.

In related news, the Hallmark corporation plans to release a new MyBox line of personal greeting cards with a let’s-kiss-and-make-up theme in conjuction with the opening of The Vagina Dialogues.    

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