Charlotte Church Sobriety Checklist
CARDIFF – Charlotte Church, Wales’ answer to Courtney Love, earned $27 million as a child prodigy singing operatic and classical tunes. Since getting her hands on that money when she turned eighteen last year, Church has spent roughly half of it on booze. The Voice of an Angel singer has been a fixture at clubs—a fixture that often wobbles, crashes into tables, and shouts obscenities for no apparent reason.
“In an average night out on the lash, I can sink ’em,” Church told Heat magazine proudly. “I usually tune up at home with a Cheeky Vimto—a port-and-vodka combination. Then I hit the clubs. I down ten double vodkas before calling it a night. By then I’m pretty trashed.”
Church also confided that she doesn’t like alcohol and only drinks “to get tinkled and dance like a crazy woman.”
Reporters who have seen Church out on the lash marvel at her capacity for drink. They also marvel at her antics, which become more newsworthy the more vodka she consumes. One veteran reporter for The Sun who has seen Church in her cups more times than he can count, put together the following sobriety checklist for his colleagues’ amusement. The numbers refer to the number of double vodkas Church has downed.
1 – nips into the loo, removes bra, splashes water on her top, then returns to the dance floor
2 – while dancing with a drink in one hand, pulls her top down with the other
3 – sings her new single, “Crazy Chick,” gets some of the words wrong, replaces others with vulgarities
4 – falls while trying to climb onto a table to dance, breaks several glasses, lies on floor laughing hysterically
5 – buys a round for the entire bar, can’t find wallet, calls the bartender a sheep shagger after he rings for manager
6 – attempts to give lap dance to stranger, belches loudly during attempt
7 – sees ex-boyfriend on dance floor, punches him in the face
8 – after trying unsuccessfully to stand, crawls across pub floor barking like a dog
9 – gets into fight with ex-boyfriend outside her flat, insults policemen who arrive to quell disturbance
10 – inside flat takes nude photo with cell phone and tries to e-mail photo to current boyfriend, sends photo to The Sun by mistake
In other news, two of the four Channel 4 employees who squirted Tom Cruise with water at the “War of the Worlds” premier in London last week have met with mysterious accidents.